New Effect

An interesting side effect of my increased oxcarbazepine dosage is that I get dizzy in the evenings.  Because each tablet is 300mg, I take one tablet in the morning and two tablets in the evening.  Apparently that double dose in the PM is enough for me to experience one of the lesser side effects.

While the dizziness is pronounced, it doesn't last that long: I'm usually feeling fine in about three-quarters of an hour.  However, that does mean that I have to make sure I take my evening dose only when I'm in a place where I can sit down for nearly an hour.  Still, I'll take a minor inconvenience once a day to my whole life being a mess most of the time.  I'm still very happy that I made the switch, is what I'm saying.

A Worrying Series of Events

I've been on my new medication, oxcarbazepine, for nearly a month.  For the most part, I feel great.  It's the other times that have me worried.

While my depression has mostly dissipated, my anxiety has taken the opportunity to rear its ugly head again.  I don't know if my anxiety was always there and I just didn't notice it because of the depression or if only one can be experienced at a time, but whatever the case, I'm forced to maintain behaviors that will help me control my anxiety.  Thankfully, many of the same behaviors that work against depression also work against anxiety.  Also of benefit, while my anxiety has returned, I don't believe it's any stronger than it was before I started taking levetiracetam.  As far as my emotional health goes, I'm happy with the change.

Unfortunately, that's not the only issue.  Yesterday while I was at work, I experienced aphasia.  It was relatively mild, but it has me worried.  While I can chalk up the seizure I had two weeks ago to the transition, can I do the same with the aphasiatic episode?  I called my neurologist, but I haven't heard back from her yet (she works out of the local hospital and they suck at delivering messages).  Maybe the episode was due to something we can fix (maybe my dosage is too low or I have stop eating cheese or something), but it definitely has me worried.

My concern lies not only with the fact that aphasia may be a precursor for seizures, but also that I may have to switch back to levetiracetam and return to struggling to live my life.  Hopefully, I'll hear back from the doctor soon and we'll be able to solve the problem in a way that doesn't require me to switch back.

So That's What the Floor Looks Like ...

One of the worst things about depression is that it takes away your motivation to do even essential things.  Like when the weekends came and if I didn't have plans to meet anyone, I would stay inside, desperately in need of a shower.  Well, the same thing happened with my apartment.  In fact, I can't remember the last time I even vacuumed was.

Until Sunday.  You see, now that I'm off of levetiracetam, I'm cleaning my home again!  Even in my depressed state, I kept my kitchen clean, but the rest of the place went to pot.  I made a big step in correcting that this past Sunday.  After I got home from Church, I started doing laundry.  Instead of throwing everything in a "clean pile" when it was done, I folded and put it all away.  I cleaned up my living room enough that if I have impromptu guests, they'll have a place to sit.  I even vacuumed.  Not only does everything look nicer now that it's all clean, I've noticed that I'm able to feel the spirit more.

Now, I'm not done cleaning.  I have a lot of piled-up junk mail to throw out and I need to toss some grocery bags, but at least I've gotten started.  It feels good to be productive again.

Number Four (Maybe)

I think I had another seizure.  I was asleep at the time and I didn't bite my lip or tear any muscles this time, but I woke up around 3 in morning on Monday feeling, well, feeling like I had just had a seizure.  One thing that was different about this time compared to the previous seizures is that I was medicated when it happened.

So, what caused it?  I think this time it was caused by low blood-sugar.  On Friday, I was still dealing with the worsened depression that came on when I started transitioning to the oxcarbazepine and I ordered a pizza and ate the whole thing.  I felt awful (a bit emotionally, but mostly physically), so I decided to try doing a juice cleanse to help pass the excess food.  In doing so, I was starving most of the weekend (I broke from the diet and got a vegetarian burrito on Saturday).  It was the worst on Sunday, but I drank my last portion of juice right before bed with the hope that I would be okay.  I wasn't.

After I woke up, I couldn't sleep for about an hour or two (when I'm recovering from a seizure, my brain becomes more alert while simultaneously becoming exhausted -- it's not fun).  I emailed my boss and told her what happened, adding that I would need some time to recover.  Even though she approved my absence, I made it into the office after lunch.  I had fitfully slept the rest of the morning (after making sure to eat some cereal and fruit to bring my blood-sugar to a safe level) and I was still pretty of out of it, but I'm glad I made it for the second half of the day.

While I think I was at risk because of the transition, I will watch my blood-sugar moving forward.  And in case you're wondering, the juice cleanse didn't even work.

Rough Start

As I posted about on Friday, I'm in the process of changing my seizure medication.  Even though I've only been taking the new medication for just a week, I can already tell a difference.

When I first started the change, my depression actually got worse.  I had trouble sleeping, I was constantly distracted, and I couldn't find enough motivation to go to the gym even once during the week.  I was starting to wonder if I had made the right choice to make the change.  And then on Thursday, I was able to do some light cardio at home in the morning.  I still didn't make it to the gym during the week, but I went on Saturday.  Saturdays have been hard for me for a while, but I did just fine: I exercised at the gym, I ran my errands, I even hung out with my friend Erin.

I didn't expect that changing my medication would have such a profound impact, but so far, I'm happy I made the change.

Transitional Period

I started my new medication on Monday.  Instead of levetiracetam, I'm switching to oxcarbazepine.  Because of how anti-convulsants work, I have to ease off the old medication while starting the new one.  For this first week, I take the oxcarbazepine every morning and evening while I take only levetiracetam in the evening.  Next week, I'll take oxcarbazepine just as frequently, but I'll take levetiracetam only every other evening.  The week after, the transition will be complete and I'll only be taking oxcarbazepine.

Why the transition?  While I don't know the mechanics behind it, one thing that all anti-convulsants have in common is that if you stop cold turkey, you risk having non-stop seizures (which is why the two seizures I've had since I was diagnosed with epilepsy were when I didn't get my prescription filled in time).  In fact, I made the mistake of taking the levetiracetam in the morning on Wednesday (I've gotten used to taking my medication in the morning and I wasn't thinking and kept up the habit), so I had to go longer without a dose -- while still taking oxcarbazepine regularly. Thursday afternoon at work, I started to have a minor aphasiatic episode.  Thankfully, nothing happened: I just felt it coming on before it dissipated (similar to how migraines are often preceded by halos).  I made sure I took both meds on Thursday evening.

So far, I can't say that I notice a difference.  I haven't had any seizures, but I still feel tired in the afternoon.  As for my depression, I won't be able to say if there's a difference until the weekend.  Hopefully, I'll be more motivated than I have been the last several months.

Heck of a Week

I've had a rough week.  The sleep study threw me off, first by making it so I had to skip the gym and second by making me endure the anxiety of having a stranger touch my face and head as they attached electrodes.  Despite my best efforts, I was unable to make it to the gym the rest of the week.  I've mentioned before that exercise helps me keep my anxiety and depression in check and without it, I was drowning.  It got so bad that when I got to work yesterday, I felt like I was going to break down and cry at my desk.

I decided that I needed to do something, so I text messaged my home teacher and asked him for a blessing that evening.  I've been honest with him about my recent struggles, so he wasn't surprised and he agreed to meet me soon after I got home from work.  Throughout the rest of the day, I got a bit better and I was able to be productive (and I never cried).

When I got home, I was nervous about having a visitor since my apartment is not in great shape.  I keep my kitchen clean, but I haven't cleaned the rest of it in a while.  It's not filthy or anything, but there's clutter that needs to be taken care of.  Picking things up would probably only take about twenty minutes, but since I've had trouble leaving the house some days, having a clean apartment hasn't been a priority.  Still, I at least cleared off one of my couches in case he wanted to sit down.

I didn't have to wait long before there was a knock at my door.  I let in my home teacher, Rob, and a member of the Elder's Quorum presidency, Mike.  I thanked them for coming and explained that I suspected that my worsening symptoms might be caused by the nocebo effect (basically, since I found out about the side effects of levetiracetam, my symptoms caused by the medication have worsened).  They administered to me and I was told to turn to my family for strength and comfort and to remember that the ward is here to help me.  I instantly felt better.

After I got up and shook their hands, we chatted for about ten minutes.  They both have struggled with depression and offered some advice on how they cope (I also learned that Mike went to the MTC with an Elder who served in my mission, had a seizure while behind the wheel, and was sentenced to a year in jail.  I didn't remember the Elder's name, but the specifics were close enough that asked where the Elder served and, sure enough, it was Cleveland, Ohio.  Small world.).  As we chatted, we ended up making plans for a game night on Tuesday.  Who knew that depression could bring people together?

After Rob and Mike left, I decided to go for a run.  The weather was beautiful for this time of year, and I needed to do some exercising.  Since the sun was going down, I made sure to wear my reflective visibility vest so drivers would see me.  I was nearly done with my run when I got distracted, didn't watch where I was stepping, and tripped and fell.  It was weird because it seemed like nearly recovered three separate times before I finally met the pavement.  I skinned my right elbow, got some scrapes on my right leg, and I think I the bruised the palm of my right hand and part of my left foot (I won't know for sure for a couple of days).  All in all, it could have been much worse.  I was even able to run the rest of the way home.

There is one truly annoying thing that happened, though: I fell on my phone.  Since I don't have a fancy smart phone, it'll be easy and inexpensive to replace.  The good news is that my phone still works; the bad news is that with the screen busted, I can't send or receive texts (I mean, I can, but I won't be able to read them).  Even with the injuries and busted phone, I'm happy that I went running.

This week has not been an easy one, but I have reasons to believe that the future will be brighter.

Incremental Improvement

Friday evening after work, as I was driving home, I felt myself starting to get anxious.  I had no plans for the weekend and that usually ends in disaster.  I hadn't slept well the night before, so I decided to skip the gym, which made it easier to make unhealthy choices regarding what I ate for dinner.  Still, I reigned things in, ate a modest dinner, and went to bed early.

I woke up on Saturday feeling better, but I was still tired, despite getting plenty of sleep.  I got up and ate breakfast,  but I never felt like I really woke up.  After fighting the fatigue for a couple of hours, I took a nap.  I struggled to wake up when my alarm went off, but I eventually pulled myself out of bed.  I ate some fruit to raise my blood sugar and get me moving, which helped, but I still felt weird.  I wanted to make it to the gym or even just do my grocery shopping for the week, but I wasn't able to leave my apartment even once that day.

After the last day-and-a-half, I was afraid that I wouldn't make it to church on Sunday, so I fasted that I would attend my meetings the next day.  Thankfully, that helped and I made it to church in time for Sacrament meeting.  I was still feeling anxious and I wasn't able to participate in any of the lessons, but I was there, which is better than I managed last week.

I've been praying a lot about the upcoming change to my medication and I feel that it's a good move.  I don't know if the next drug will be what I stick with for the long haul, but it will at least mark the beginning of my investigation.  I know that if it's a struggle for me to just function on a day that I don't have work, there's something majorly wrong.  Still, at least I left the house and made it to church; that alone make this weekend a win.

Experimenting

I talked to my neurologist yesterday.  I explained to her what I've been going through and how I wasn't sure if the levetiracetam that I've been taking for over the last two years was affecting me negatively.  She listen to me and offered an alternative anti-convulsant that is also sometimes used to treat depression.  I'm a little wary of taking an antidepressant with my normal medication, but one medication that works as both?  That doesn't sound so bad.

Now, just because my doctor approved the medication and her office called in a prescription for me, it's not an easy change to make.  First off, the new medication does pose the risk of liver damage, so before I can begin, I have get some blood work done (along with every six months thereafter to monitor my vitals, particularly my liver).  When the results deem me healthy enough, I can slowly make the transition -- in addition to drowsiness and increased anxiety and depression, levetiracetam also has this side effect (from the primary manufacturer's website): "Stopping a seizure medication all at once can cause seizures that will not stop, a very serious problem."  While I think that calling "seizures that will not stop" a "very serious problem" is putting things a bit mildly, it's also misleading: while many anti-convulsants have this effect, not every one does.

Now I'm just waiting for the paperwork so I can go to the lab for the blood work.  Once I'm cleared, I'll begin the transition, which will take two weeks.  While I am optimistic, I also need to watch for any other potential problems.  Even if my depression eases up when I switch, there may be other changes to my mood or behavior.  But nothing will change unless I try something different, so here's hoping this new medication works better.

Imbalance

I saw a new neurologist on Thursday.  This was the first time I'd seen a brain doctor since I was first diagnosed with epilepsy back in December of 2013, so it was nice to get a second opinion.  My doctor said that based on my history, that my current medication (levetiracetam) appears to be working well and that as long as I don't miss a dose, everything should be fine.

Since the meeting, however, I've been thinking more and more about the side effects of my medication.  The most common one is drowsiness and/or sleeplessness, which I definitely deal with, though I don't know how much of that is due to the meds -- I have a sleep study scheduled for a week from today, so maybe with the right kind of CPAP machine, I'll be fine.

The next most common side effects are increased levels of anxiety and/or depression.  This is the one that has me the most concerned.  Right after I started taking levetiracetam (or Keppra, if you want to use the brand name), I went through the worst depression of my life.  The problem, however, is that the circumstances of my life were pretty depressing: I had just been diagnosed with epilepsy, I had lost my job, and my estranged wife refused to communicate with me when I turned to her for emotional support.  It was a tough time in my life.  Since then, I've gotten a much stronger grip on my life and my emotions.

But I still struggle with anxiety and depression on a regular basis.  I even picked up a new hobby as a way to combat these negative feelings (which has helped quite a bit).  Even so, I was unable to find the motivation to leave my apartment on Saturday and when I went to bed, I had a panic attack for a couple of hours.  This resulted in me sleeping through my alarm and missing church the next day.  I wasn't scheduled to teach, so at least I wasn't shirking any responsibility, beyond that of keeping my basic covenants.

Since I couldn't sleep anyway, I looked up how often people deal with these sorts of side effects and I found the answer: around 0.8% of users.  Less than one percent of people using levetiracetam feel anything other than fine.  And even if I'm one of the unlucky few that got more than he bargained for, other anti-convulsants have their own risks (many of which include possible liver damage).  One big problem is that I don't know if the meds are exacerbating a problem that already exists or if I'm just not handling my brain chemistry properly.

The first step is to follow up with my neurologist.  I have an appointment to see her again in July, but I'll send her an email later today (I'd have done it already, but I left her business card in my desk at work).  Maybe she has a go-to medication that can take the edge off the side effects.  Maybe she'll ask me to see a psychiatrist, which I may want to do anyway.  Maybe she'll ask for more test to be conducted.  All I know is that I've been dealing with these problems for a while now and I just want my life back.

Tuesdays with Media: (Don't) Drop the Bass

On Friday, I bought a bass guitar.

It's a four-string Squire Telecaster bass (without a pick-guard) made by Fender, featuring both P- and J-style pickups.  What all that means is that it's a low-end bass made by a company known for the quality of their guitars and it can be used to play either rock or jazz.

I bought it to help keep me from getting depressed.  As I've stated before, coming home to an empty apartment can be difficult, so to combat those feelings of loneliness, I decided I should pick up a hobby that requires me to learn a new skill.  I figured that an instrument would be a good fit and I picked the bass because it's portable and learning to read music for it will also help me when I sing, since I usually sing bass.  Also, since I know the basics of standard guitar playing, I reasoned that most of those skills would transfer to the bass, meaning I wouldn't be starting from scratch.

I looked up bass guitars on Craigslist and this one looked like a good fit.  (One weird thing about basses is that they're available in varieties with more or fewer strings.  Four strings is the most common, followed by five strings, but they're also available with as many as nine strings, though those are pretty rare.  I wanted one with four strings because it most closely resembles the double-bass from the Big Band days).  I emailed the owner about it, but then I found a no-name brand bass on Wal-Mart's website for about half the price.  Since it would be my first bass, having a super cheap one wouldn't be too bad.  I considered emailing the guy from Craigslist to tell him I changed my mind, but I decided to pray about it.  The Spirit told me to go with the one from Craigslist.

I was surprised that the Spirit directed me to buy that one; the answer I received wasn't "keep your word," it was "you should get the one you already emailed about."  It was at that point that I realized that the idea I had to learn how to play a new instrument had not originated from me.  I do need to be more proactive about keeping myself in good spirits and learning to play bass can be one way to do that.

After meeting the seller in a mutually convenient parking lot, I inspected the instrument.  It had a few scrapes on the back of the neck -- I'm guessing it was leaned up against a table or desk and got bumped a few times -- but otherwise it was in good condition.  The man said it was his son's, but he hardly played it, so it was time for it to go.  I paid him for it and drove home, so excited I was giddy.

Remember when I said that the few skills I had on guitar would transfer to the bass?  Turns out, they don't.  The strings are much thicker and are a lot harder to hold down, you hold the neck differently in order to reach all the strings, and you pluck the strings with your first two fingers instead of picking or strumming them.  It's been tough, but I'm earning my callouses and I can already kind of play a blues scale.  I've got a long way to go, but I'm making progress.

It feels a little weird to start learning a new instrument when I'm in my thirties, but I know this is something that will help me and be fun at the same time.

Finding a New Routine

I joined a new gym today.  It's not the nicest gym that I looked at, but it has what I need and it's close to my apartment which will make it harder to excuse myself from going.  Plus, after I used a one-day free pass to try it out, I said a quick prayer and received confirmation that this was my new gym.

Too bad it has a dumb name: Spunk Fitness.  That said, if my biggest complaint is that the name of the place is stupid, I'm doing pretty well.  Plus, by going to a gym rather than working out at home, I can push myself harder with professional-grade equipment.

The biggest benefit, of course, is that I'm already starting to feel my mood level out.  Not working out has made it easy for my anxiety and depression to return, which has made it hard to function.  With my new gym membership, I can regain control of that aspect of my life.

But seriously, Spunk?  What is this, the 1940s?

Second Verse, Same as the First

I got an email on Wednesday to inform me that Allison has been served the second time.  As you may remember, I had Allison served before, but because of mistakes I made, the service wasn't legally binding.  So, I had to do it again, and I was running out of time if I wanted to do this divorce with only one filing (I wouldn't be barred from getting divorced, I just would have to refile and pay the processing fee again).  To avoid trouble, I used a process server.  It meant that I had to pay another party to get things taken care of, but I must say it's worth it because they got the job done.

Things feel weird again, though not like last time.  I'm not sad that it's over with Allison; I've come to terms with that and I'm ready to move on.  No, it's weird because I'm ready to move on.  I want to get on with my life and start dating again, but I've got to wait through a minimum of 90 days (very likely longer) before it's all over.  Knowing that I have that long ahead of me is pretty depressing.  You don't need to worry about me -- I'm still going to work everyday and I'm managing okay.  It's just that I've been alone for so long already.  In fact, in late January (just a little over a month a way), it will be four years since we got separated.

I just want to be free from this torture that is loneliness.

What I Miss

I was thinking recently about what I miss most about being in a relationship.  These are the main things I came up with:

• I miss having someone to be cuddle up next to on lazy Saturday afternoons after the errands have been run and the chores have been finished.
• I miss having someone I can cook meals for, especially a big Saturday night dinner.
• I miss having someone to watch stupid TV shows with and laugh at how stupid they are (it's no fun by yourself).
• I miss having someone I want to shave my face for on the weekend, so I'm not halfway to a beard by the time I shave for church on Sunday.
• I miss having someone to just hang out with and talk to all the time.

Did you notice a pattern?  Yeah, Saturdays are still tough.  This past Saturday was really depressing because I didn't have any significant human interactions (interacting with a cashier doesn't count as significant).  While the ultimate goal is to have a wife and family to be around, even just having a girlfriend -- or a girl I'm dating but we haven't committed to be a couple -- still would give me someone that I can see and talk to and keep Saturdays from being a bad thing.  I can also hang out with friends and family, but it's hard to ask someone if I can hang out with them because I'm afraid I'm going to be sad if I don't.

We're still a couple of months away from my divorce being finalized, but once it's all done, I hope it doesn't take me long to be able enjoy Saturdays again on a regular basis.

Moved, Again

Yesterday, I went back to my old apartment and helped Samuel move out.

Samuel was much harder to move out. Not in moving his belongings, but in finding him a new place to stay.  He's working two jobs right now, but he's still not making very good money.  Even with the ward promising to support him by paying part of his rent, he couldn't find anything that he qualified for, since most places have income requirements as part of the application.  Add to that the fact that his family is up for an interview with the American embassy next month to be granted approval to move here, he also needed a place that could quickly adjust to having an additional three people in it.  Things were looking bleak when the week before he had to be out, he found an apartment that is large enough to accommodate having his family, doesn't require an income check as part of the application, and is affordable with the ward's help and -- and this is important -- comes with a roommate.  Samuel did some coordinating with his fellow countrymen and found someone that was willing to be his roommate on the condition that he'll move out when Samuel's family is approved to move here.  The lease is in Samuel's name this time, so that will help his renter's history for the future, too.

With the details finally worked out, we still had to move him.  When I moved, I rented a U-Haul so I could get everything in one vehicle.  Samuel didn't have that option, so we simply used some pickups that ward members had.  Unfortunately, it was forecast to rain hard that day.  Thankfully, it rained hard in the afternoon and by the time we got to the scheduled time for the move, the skies were clear.

The move went very quickly.  Samuel and I shared a one bedroom apartment, with nearly all of his stuff crammed into the dinning room.  I mostly just went through to make sure that he didn't leave anything behind.  Good thing I did, because he left behind several things.  I also went through and did some basic cleaning to help the apartment staff out.

As I was finishing up, Mark (who had stayed behind to help) told me that before I approached Samuel to be my roommate, that he had thought of the same plan, but we were already planning on Samuel moving in before he could bring it up to me.  I took that as further confirmation that our time as roommates was divinely inspired.  Mark also pointed out that having Samuel there was a benefit to me as well, since I had my portion of the rent lowered.  I agreed and pointed out that having someone in the apartment that likes to talk was probably good for me during my bouts of unemployment since it often helped me feel less depressed by being forced to talk to someone -- it's not that I didn't like Samuel, it's just that being unemployed was very depressing and when I get depressed, I tend to shut down and turn inward; having him around helped with that.

So, I wish Samuel the best.  We were roommates much longer than either of us planned on, but it all happened the way it was supposed to.  Good luck, 'mate.

Tuesdays with Media: The Public Life of Celebrities

Before I begin, watch this clip from an interview with Robert Downey, Jr.:

That's a shortened clip from the full interview that Downey did to promote Avengers: Age of Ultron.  The interviewer, having asked all the questions he had about the film, asked the actor if he would mind answering some personal questions.  Downey lookeds a little weary, probably because he'd been giving interviews for hours and just wanted to be done already, but he smiled and agreed to the more personal stuff.  The interviewer brought up Downey's dark past (he struggled with addiction) and you see Downey's whole countenance change: he starts breathing heavily and his eyes are filled with a mixture of pain and anger.  Despite the interviewer being a completely insensitive jerk, Downey simply got up and ends the interview, not once saying a mean word.

I bring this up because celebrities have troubles that the rest of us don't face.  Everyone has things in their past that they aren't proud of, but we don't have people bringing them up to us well after we've overcome those troubles.  I'm not proud of the fact that it took me eight years to get my four-year degree, that I've struggled with depression, that I'm getting divorced, or that I had a rough start to my career as a technical writer, but I don't have to talk about those things to complete strangers.

Now don't get me wrong, celebrities have a lot of perks that come from living in the public eye (lots of celebrities get paid more than I make in a year just to attend parties) and that often makes up for having to deal with the less desirable stuff.  But the fact that you can't completely move on must wear down on a person.

I recently gave a lesson in the Teacher's Quorum about repentance and the fact that we can move beyond our faults through the atonement is a fundamental principle of the gospel.  I am not suggesting that by being in the public eye, celebrities can't take advantage of the atonement, just that constantly (or even occasionally) being reminded of your past mistakes must be hard.

I don't know what kind of person Robert Downey, Jr. is, but he showed great personal strength by not cussing out the interviewer.  Sure, he may have only held back because there were cameras rolling, but his behavior was still commendable.  I think this particular event stood out to me because I could empathize with him.  Not the cameras and all of that, but feeling anxious while talking to someone and wanting to be anywhere else.  Most of us don't have the luxury of being able to walk away from someone that's offending us, but most of us aren't having our personal demons shoved in our faces either.  So while there are enviable aspects of being rich and famous, it comes with some pretty substantial negatives, too, and I wouldn't wish that lifestyle on anyone.

The Weekend Sad

On Saturday, I slept in until a little past noon.  That wasn't my intention, I just was really tired.  At first I just wrote it off to a result of my insomnia that comes and goes, but there's more going on.

I realized that unless I have plans to do something with friends or family, I mope around my apartment for the better part of every Saturday.  During the week, I have my job to get to and on Sundays I have Church, but I don't have anybody to see on Saturdays on a regular basis.  I don't mean to be dramatic, but if don't have plans for Saturdays, I get depressed.

This has been happening for a while, but I was able to ignore it for the most part.  I could do that because I was separated from my wife and was sad that we were apart and I was trying to work things out.  With us getting divorced now, it's much harder to ignore, or at least I notice that it's gone during the rest of the week.

I'm not saying that I need to start dating right away (I have to wait until the divorce is finalized), but I need to have some buddies to hang out with.  I have some friends in my ward that I am very close with, but they're all couples.  That'll be great when I'm part of a couple again, but it can also make it hard to just drop by.  "Hey, I know you have your family that you want to spend time with, but you should spend time with me instead."

I've already emailed my stake's rep for single adults to try to make some more friends, but after that, I'm kind of stumped.  Have any suggestions?

Clear Home, Clear Mind

It's no secret that I got pretty depressed when I went through my last bout of unemployment last winter.  What I haven't mentioned is that in some ways, I never fully recovered.  I stopped putting my laundry away when I it came out of the dryer, leaving my clothes laid out in stacks.  I figured when I started working again that I would clean up everything, but that never happened.

With this current round of looking for work, my "stacks" turned more into "piles" or "heaps"; I'd take my clothes out and just dump them on the floor.  And, unsurprisingly, my mood got worse and worse.

Yesterday, I decided to fix that.  I did a lot of laundry and neatly folded and put away everything as soon as it came out of the dryer.  I even gathered up some already clean clothes and put them away with their newly washed kin.  And while I still have some clothes that need to make their way to the dresser, nearly everything that was once on the floor is now its home.

I wish I could say that my unemployment is over and I'm starting work soon.  But even without my job status changing, I feel much, much better just cleaning up my room, as if my cluttered bedroom was making my mind feel cluttered, too.

I guess my folks were right about needing a clean room after all ...

Clean Bill of Health

I went to my doctor yesterday as a follow-up to my last visit about my depression.  He quickly assessed that I have improved to the point of not needing anti-depression medication.  It felt quite good to have my positive suspicions confirmed.

I then explained how when I first moved to the area, it was to find work, so my priority was not on meeting people.  Now that I'm finally secure with my employment again, I need to focus on making friends.  He hardily agreed.  He suggested that I look into either volunteering somewhere or signing up for an activity through the county's community program.  He seemed to think that competition would be good for me for some reason - I didn't bother explaining that I'm not terribly competitive.  The point is that he agreed that I need to be around people on a regular basis in a setting where I can talk to them and get to know them.  Signing up for an activity would give me an obligation to stick to; I just need to figure out what I should do.

I am happy to have my positive feelings confirmed by my doctor.  Now to find something to sign up for!

Status Update: Lonely

I talked with my doctor about the possibility that I have depression.  After going over my family history and recent personal experiences, he agreed that I probably was facing something more than just sadness.  He also pointed out that because I haven't missed work due to this condition, it's still somewhat manageable.  When we got to the subject of medication, he said that while we could start me off on something small, he recommended that I take some time to see what my other options are and then meet him again in a month to reassess the situation.  I liked that idea, so I made the appointment and went home.

This is what I've come up with: I need some friends.  Let me be more specific: I need friends that I can hang out with pretty regularly.  I need to hang out.  I have a few friends from church that I get along with really well, but they all have kids.  That's not a bad thing but it means that they're always busy with their families, as they should be.  And before anyone asks, Samuel's fine, but we have so little in common due to us coming from different cultures; he's a good guy but it's not super relaxing hanging out with him, you know?  And while I do keep in touch with various friends and families via phone calls, I need some face-to-face interactions.  I do get those at work and church, but I need some purely social exchanges.

Here's a problem, though: where do I meet people?  Do I join a running enthusiast's club and is that even a thing?  Do I try LARPing?  Do I finally sign-up on the Facebook?  I'm really not sure where a man in his early thirties goes to meet people to hang out with.   I know that I tend to do better in structured environments, which is why I was thinking of activity-based groups.  I also thought about crashing Single Adult activities that the Stake puts on but that kind of feels like cheating, me showing up wearing a wedding band.

Please, dear reader, leave a comment with your suggestions on where I should look to find people who are about my age with whom I may share similar interests.