Public

You may have noticed something different about this blog.  Namely, it's no longer accessible by invitation only but is, in fact, accessible by anyone with an internet connection.  Why the sudden change?  My divorce is final.

You see, I never meant for this blog to be private, but when I first filed for divorce, I was afraid that Allison might use something I wrote against me.  Rather than censor myself, I decided to simply change the privacy settings to invitation only.  With the divorce finalized, I no longer have any reason to keep the blog private, so I've gone back to sharing my secrets with the world.

Thank you to everyone who supported me during my divorce.  Now that I'm a free man, it feels right that my blog matches that sentiment.

Welcome to the Digital Age

I've owned a cell phone since I first got home from my mission in mid-2004, though it's always just been a standard cell that can make calls and send texts.  Even when the first iPhone was released in 2007, introducing the world to the idea of carrying around a tiny computer wherever you go, I never upgraded.  At first, I couldn't afford one, and later I thought they were just a trend, but eventually I realized that having a smart phone was not only the standard, but the expectation.  I finally decided to upgrade, but I was trapped in a shared phone plan with Allison (I had agreed to cover her phone bill until the divorce went through) and if I upgraded, it would renew the contract and I be stuck.  With the divorced completed, I was finally free to see what the fuss was all about.

I totally get it.  I bought a Samsung Galaxy S7 and now wherever I go, I have a web browser, an e-reader, a GPS map, a full computer, a really nice digital camera, and, oh yeah, a phone (and more!).  I'm sure I don't know half of what the phone is capable of yet, but it's both a lot of fun and very helpful.  Though, since I changed my number, I'm carrying around two phones with me until the old plan deactivates in three weeks.  Still, I'm glad I've finally joined the rest of the civilized world.

Free at Last!

The divorce is final!  Last night I checked the website that updates the status of civil cases in Maryland, and to my surprise the judge had already seen and ruled on my case.  On Monday, in fact.

Digital proof that it's finally over.

If that wasn't enough, I got the official document in the mail when I got home from work.  Not only am I divorced, I have the documentation to prove it!

I was so excited that I barely slept.  When I went into the office this morning, I was a ball of energy, which is quite out of the ordinary when I first arrive.  The people that I shared my news with know me well enough to recognize that I was happy to done with the legal process and be out of a dead marriage; unfortunately, some other people overheard and made jokes like "I bet you won't make that mistake again!" or "Quit making those of us still trapped jealous" and so on.  That was frustrating, but it couldn't bring me down.

Thank you to everyone that prayed for me during this difficult time.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go and meet some nice Mormon girls and go on as many dates as possible.

Thank You, Your Honor

My divorce hearing was today.

It was pretty straight forward.  My case was called and Ian and I went in.  I identified myself as the plaintiff and Ian as my witness.  We were both sworn in by the magistrate and asked to sit down.  The magistrate asked me several questions to verify the information I had already submitted -- some questions I answered with names and dates, others I just said yes or no.  Ian was asked a few questions to corroborate my story, which he did.  After reviewing all of the information (including the fact that neither party was seeking damages and that the defendant was served but never responded), the magistrate said she would recommend to the presiding judge to rule in favor of granting the divorce.  I filled out another form and was on my way.  Including waiting to be called in and filling out the final form, the whole process took about an hour.

I would like to reiterate that the magistrate did not make a final ruling; that still needs to be done by a judge.  The magistrate did say she would recommend ruling in my favor, so at least I can be happy about that.  The way it look, the only things left to do are to have the judge make the final decision and a file clerk process the case.  But based on my experience thus far, I'll wait until I have the final papers in my hands before I celebrate.

I Should Have Known!

I went to my divorce hearing today.  I had all of my paperwork, I was clean shaven, and I wore my new suit.  In other words, I was prepared.  I appeared before the magistrate and she listed all of the forms I had brought with me as evidence that I had done everything in the right order (so I hadn't needed to have brought my copies after all).

Then she asked if I had a witness to testify on my behalf.  I told her that I didn't, to which she replied that the case could not proceed without a witness.  Thankfully, she did not dismiss the case but instead had it rescheduled.  I will now be appearing next Monday (May 23) and Ian has already agreed to testify on my behalf.  According to the magistrate, all Ian needs to confirm is that I was married and was properly separated before filling for divorce.

It was silly of me to think that after so many hiccups along the way that the hearing go smoothly.  I wouldn't wish divorce on my worst enemy, but if I ever have to go through this again, you better believe I'll be using a lawyer.

Nearing the End

My divorce hearing is on Friday afternoon.  It's been nearly a year-and-a-quarter since I first applied for divorice, but the day has finally come.  I have all of my paperwork ready to go and I bought a suit to look as presentable as possible.  And yes, I'll finally be shaving my way past annoying beard (though I did get more compliments on it this weekend than ever before).

It's been a long road to get here, but it looks like it'll all be over soon.  The hearing is at 1:30 PM EDT, if you would like to lend a prayer at or before the time of the main event.

Hearing Date

I originally filed for divorce back on March 23, 2015.  Finally, nearly a year later, I have a hearing date.  I was hoping to have things wrapped up by the end of this month, but apparently, that was expecting too much.  My hearing date is in the middle of May.

In some ways it's depressing that the hearing is still so far away, and yet, I'm not saddened by it.  While it's not as soon as I wanted it to be, I do finally have a date.  Time will crawl forward and before I know it, I'll be standing in court.  I know that after the hearing, there will still be some time while everything is being processed before I'm officially single, but that will be a week or two at the most.

I guess I should keep my eyes open for good places to take a first date during the summer, because I plan on going on a lot of first dates.  And now I know when I can start.

Tuesdays with Media: Lady Nothing

One thing that I like about instrumental songs is that they can be interpreted so many more ways than songs with lyrics.  Not only that, but a song's meaning can change over time.  That's how I've experienced "Lady Nothing" by Bert Jansch.

Jansch was a Scottish folk guitarist and singer who first made it big in mid-60s and was sometimes called the "British Bob Dylan."  He made such an impact that Led Zeppelin, arguably the greatest rock band of all time, stole one of his songs (Jansch's record label didn't think they could win the case and decided not to pursue legal action).

As for today's song, it's my favorite of Jansh's works.  It has a bouncy rhythm and a sad tone.  When I first heard it, I had just filed for divorce.  Seeing the name and linking it to the music made me think about a man who is trying to tell himself that the woman he's lost was no one special (or "nothing"); I saw it as a song about lying to yourself.  Now, with my divorce nearly completed, the song is still melancholy, but not in the same way.  Now I hear a song that's sad, not because the lost love is irreplaceable, but because you realize that she was never who you thought she was: the sadness is not from lying to yourself now, but from realizing you've been lying to yourself the whole and are only now seeing the truth.

"Lady Nothing" is one of those songs that I reacted to strongly when first hearing it.  Now, more than a year later, it's meaning has changed, but it still touches my heart in a way that few other songs have.

"Lady Nothing" is from Bert Jansch's album L.A. Turnaround, which is distributed by Charisma Records.

The End is Near

The State of Maryland has a website where you can look up the current status of open legal cases.  Unfortunately, the site only says what forms have been submitted by involved parties or what notices have been issued by the court.  To put it another way, I highly suspect that the final hearing in my divorce has been set, but I don't know the date of it yet.  I should get the official notice in the mail in the next few days.  Until then, I eagerly await it, hoping that it will be sooner rather than later.

Thematic Dreaming

I've been remembering my dreams lately and I've noticed a running theme: in many of them, I have a girlfriend.  Sometimes she's going with me on an adventure, sometimes she's sitting politely while I argue with someone else, sometimes she's talking to me and unknowingly preventing me from finding a restroom.  She never looks the same or has the same personality; sometimes she's not even present, I just know that I have a girlfriend somewhere.

I find it interesting that my subconscious is ready for my divorce to be finalized and for me to start dating.  I also think that its significant that I've only been dating and not married.  It's probably that my brain knows that dating comes next and is preparing me for it -- to put it another way, I've been looking forward to dating again and it's spilled into my dreams.

Thankfully, I shouldn't have to wait much longer.

Status Update

Yesterday, I had to go to the county clerk's office for another status update.  The last time I attended one, I had just found out that the first summons I issued hadn't been accepted.  This time, I had just submitted a request for default (i.e., a request that the court moves forward with the divorce proceedings despite Allison not responding to the original complaint and/or summons), so we should be moving forward now.

One nice thing I found out: when Allison's thirty days to respond to my request for default runs out, I don't have to request a hearing date.  Rather, the court will issue one automatically.  I'm still going to call and make sure that no action is required on my part once the time is up, but it's nice to know I shouldn't be required to.  At the rate we're going, everything should be finalized before my birthday.

And that would be the greatest birthday present I could ask for this year.

Second Verse, Same as the First

I got an email on Wednesday to inform me that Allison has been served the second time.  As you may remember, I had Allison served before, but because of mistakes I made, the service wasn't legally binding.  So, I had to do it again, and I was running out of time if I wanted to do this divorce with only one filing (I wouldn't be barred from getting divorced, I just would have to refile and pay the processing fee again).  To avoid trouble, I used a process server.  It meant that I had to pay another party to get things taken care of, but I must say it's worth it because they got the job done.

Things feel weird again, though not like last time.  I'm not sad that it's over with Allison; I've come to terms with that and I'm ready to move on.  No, it's weird because I'm ready to move on.  I want to get on with my life and start dating again, but I've got to wait through a minimum of 90 days (very likely longer) before it's all over.  Knowing that I have that long ahead of me is pretty depressing.  You don't need to worry about me -- I'm still going to work everyday and I'm managing okay.  It's just that I've been alone for so long already.  In fact, in late January (just a little over a month a way), it will be four years since we got separated.

I just want to be free from this torture that is loneliness.

See You in Court

I have a hearing to attend this morning.  It's about the divorce, but it won't be wrapping things up.  You see, when I had Allison served back in August, I didn't include one document because I had previously emailed it to her.  She had all the paperwork that I needed to deliver, but the court had no record of her receiving it, so I have to serve her a second time.  Allison already knows and I'm working with her to coordinate the delivery.

So why the hearing?  The reason I have to appear in court is because I first filed for divorce back in February and it doesn't usually take this long to finalize everything.  The court order I was issued simply says "Status Update" in the subject line.  I should be in and out in five or ten minutes, but since I filed in the county I was living in a few months ago, I have to drive about forty minutes to get to the courthouse.  If I skip the hearing, I risk having my case dismissed and I'll have to file all over again.

While it's inconvenient to need to go to court for something so trivial, it's worth it if it means that I can wrap this whole thing up.

A Lousy Situation

The office where I work regularly has holiday themed activities: luncheons near holidays, an ice cream buffet in the summer, and a beard-growing contest during November.  However, the biggest activity of the year is the Holiday Party, which happens sometime in December.  Unlike the other activities, the Holiday Party takes place outside of work.  Last year, I didn't attend because I had only been with the company for a few weeks and I didn't really know anybody.  This year, I'm not attending for a completely different reason: I won't have a date.

The invitations that were sent out have encouraged everyone that attends to bring their significant other.  That's a nice way to include the spouses and girl/boyfriends of employees, but for those of us that aren't in a relationship or, even worse, are in the process of ending a previous relationship, it only serves to reminds us that we're alone.  I don't fault the party planning committee for including significant others at the Holiday Party, I'm just stuck in a lousy situation.

There's still hope for Holiday Party 2016, though!

New Connection

That talk I gave on Sunday keeps making connections for me.

So, first I was asked by a member of the ward if I would tutor his son in technical writing, then that member's daughter emailed me to thank me for helping her brother and to offer herself as a "resource" for me to meet single LDS women in the area.  While my divorce has a month or so still to go before it's finalized, I am interested in having a friend who can help me start dating again when the time comes.

As I thought on the emails exchanged with the various members of this family, I thought back to my prompting to move here in the first place.  At first, my instructions were that I needed to be in a new area to meet my future wife, but as time has gone on, it's become more specific: I need to be a member of my current ward to make the right connections to meet her (and while it's never been clear, I've had a feeling that she is not be a member of this ward).  I don't want to say that this young woman is the connection I needed to make, but it does all line up rather nicely.

For now, I thanked her for her offer and told that since my divorce isn't finalized yet, I shouldn't date anyone, but I'd be happy to participate in group activities if she knows of any.  She hasn't responded to me yet, so maybe it's nothing -- or maybe she just wants to have an activity in mind before she writes back.  I'm interested to see where this leads ...

Metaphorical Relationship

I spoke in Sacrament Meeting yesterday.  The topic was "staying in the church," which is something with which I have some experience.

I opened by introducing myself and talking about what I do for a living.  After a brief explanation about what a technical writer does, I mentioned that when I was in college, I studied a lot of literature, which included the basic three-act story structure.  To give a better example of a three-act story, I told the congregation to think about any Romantic Comedy that they had seen, as it would follow that format.  The problem with Rom-Coms, I said, is that they end with the two people deciding to be a couple or get married, with the implication that "they lived happily ever after."

With the introduction complete, I said that our membership in the Church is like a relationship with the Savior -- He's even called "the bridegroom" in more than one parable.  When we're first investigating the Church, that's the Rom-Com part of our relationship with Him.  As time goes on, however, it's easy to become complacent in our relationship.  Just as with real relationships, we need to work hard to keep things going.  The excitement that we felt at the beginning is replaced with dependency; that's not a bad thing and our long-lasting relationships can be very rewarding -- as we help our partner achieve their goals, work to make them happy, and they support us during trials and sorrow, we bless and strengthen each other -- but it's not as easy as when we first fall in love.

Then I shared that I'm in the process of getting divorced.  I said that despite several years together, the divorce was for the best, because for the last three years, I've been the only one working on our marriage and a marriage cannot work if only one person is giving it their all.  Such is the case with our membership in the Church, but difference is that the Lord will always be there for us: the only point of failure in our relationship with Him is us.

I then rhetorically asked what do we do to make our relationship with the Savior last?  The common answers we always use work, though they aren't exciting: read our scriptures, pray, attend our church meetings, etc.  Our membership won't be as exciting as at the beginning, but it will be more rewarding.  I then bore my testimony and sat down.

After the meeting, I had several people come and thank me for my talk, including one visiting sister who came to me with tears in her eyes and told me that I had said exactly what she had needed to hear.  I had worked on my talk, making notes and writing down scripture references, but it only came together right when I stood up to speak.  I know that the words that were given to me to speak were inspired by the Spirit and I'm grateful that I was prepared to receive them.

What I Miss

I was thinking recently about what I miss most about being in a relationship.  These are the main things I came up with:

• I miss having someone to be cuddle up next to on lazy Saturday afternoons after the errands have been run and the chores have been finished.
• I miss having someone I can cook meals for, especially a big Saturday night dinner.
• I miss having someone to watch stupid TV shows with and laugh at how stupid they are (it's no fun by yourself).
• I miss having someone I want to shave my face for on the weekend, so I'm not halfway to a beard by the time I shave for church on Sunday.
• I miss having someone to just hang out with and talk to all the time.

Did you notice a pattern?  Yeah, Saturdays are still tough.  This past Saturday was really depressing because I didn't have any significant human interactions (interacting with a cashier doesn't count as significant).  While the ultimate goal is to have a wife and family to be around, even just having a girlfriend -- or a girl I'm dating but we haven't committed to be a couple -- still would give me someone that I can see and talk to and keep Saturdays from being a bad thing.  I can also hang out with friends and family, but it's hard to ask someone if I can hang out with them because I'm afraid I'm going to be sad if I don't.

We're still a couple of months away from my divorce being finalized, but once it's all done, I hope it doesn't take me long to be able enjoy Saturdays again on a regular basis.

Weird Sadness

Allison's been served.  That means that our divorce is finally moving forward.  This is something that I've been working towards for months.  I've had several confirmations from the Spirit that this divorce is needed and necessary and I've been frustrated with the delays we've had with making this happen.

So, imagine my surprise that when I had finished making arrangements with Allison for her to receive the summons, that I broke down crying.  After all the pain and frustration I've already experienced, I didn't think I had any tears left.

This is another reminder that love is complicated.  You hurt someone and they hurt you and they hate you and you can't help but get angry when you talk to them and the best thing for both of you is to end your relationship, but you're still sad to see them go.  You remember how they laughed at your jokes and how they pushed you to be a better student and how the smell of their mouth was the most wonderful aroma you've ever experienced.  Despite all of the reasons that prove you need to go your separate ways, you're still sad about it and wish it could have ended differently.

Not knowing how to process these feelings, I shared them with Allison.  She confessed that she was sad too, adding that it was "weird."  Yeah, after all this time, it is weird to feel sad about getting divorced.  Weird, but, again, for the best.

Sleep Well

Something strange has been happening lately: I've been getting enough sleep.

A little over a month ago, my mom recommended that I experiment with delta waves, a type of brain wave that's produced when we sleep, that can be induced by listening to certain new age music.  I scoffed that something so silly would make any significant difference, but I promised to give it a try.  The first night I left my tablet playing, I fell asleep easily.  While it hasn't worked every night, it certainly helps things.

Starting this week, I've gone to bed earlier than usual.  In the past, I've put things off that I needed to do (like making lunch for the next day or writing my blog post), which often made bedtime later than it needed to be.  Don't get me wrong, there were plenty of times that I went to bed early to just lay there for a couple of hours, so I didn't feel like there was a rush.

So, what happens when you combine a reasonable bedtime with delta wave music?  Eight hours of sleep (the nice thing about using the YouTube video I linked to is that I can look how long it's played when my alarm goes off as an estimate of how long I slept; if it finishes playing, I got in a full eight).  I'm sure that my acceptance of my divorce and the great, low-stress job I have are also factors, and who knows if this will last; for now, I'll enjoy not being exhausted.  Mostly.

A Small Change

Hello, dear reader.  You may have noticed that you had to login in order to access the blog.  Unfortunately, I have to protect myself.

You see, divorce is a complicated mess of fighting and paranoia.  I don't think there's anything on this blog that can be used against me, but just in case, I'm making it private for now, as a precaution.

This blog is important to me and it's important to many of you, so I don't want to take it down, even temporarily, but I also don't want my words used against me.  So, here we are, requiring a login just to read about what weird song I like or what recipe I made.  Hopefully, this lockdown will only last a few weeks.