Results

So, Donald Trump is the new president.  You may recall that I predicted that this very thing would never happen.  I’m mature enough to admit that I was wrong, though that’s not the purpose of this post.  Instead, I’d like to offer my thoughts about the recent election, including the results.

First, as I already mentioned, I didn’t support either candidate.  I felt that both Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton were bad choices, so I voted for someone who I believed would do the best job, despite knowing that he had no real chance of succeeding.  I feel good about my decision and I’m glad that I voted the way that I did.

Second, I was surprised that Trump won.  Polls showed Clinton as the leader, though by a narrow margin.  In addition to the polls, most media outlets mocked the Trump campaign and his supporters, leading many people—including me—to believe that while the election would be close, Clinton would be the victor.  When Trump won, I think we were all caught off guard. However, that’s actually a bit inspiring.  My boss, Magda, is originally from Poland and spent several years in Mexico.  She’s seen her share of rigged elections and she thought that Trump’s success proved that the American election process was honest.  As she put it, “It shows that the system works.”  Despite my lack of support for the president-elect, I must admit that her words do give me hope.

Third, I think I understand where Trump supporters are coming from.  When I served my mission in northern Ohio, I spent the majority of my time in more rural areas.  I remember one town in particular that had once been a manufacturing hub with four different plants.  By the time I visited, three of the plants had shut down and the third had slowed production.  The town was dying and the residents didn’t know how to cope.  I also remember meeting farmers who were using old, outdated equipment because, despite receiving government subsidies, they couldn’t afford to replace anything.  Most (if not all) of Obama’s policies benefited the working poor and middle class in cities, not the country.  After eight years of a president who they felt was ignoring them, the people who didn’t live in a major city wanted someone very different.  While Trump certainly had supporters in urban communities, the majority of his success was with people out in the country.

Fourth, protests are happening in cities across the US because of Trump’s surprise victory.  But what’s the end goal of those involved?  This isn’t like other recent protests such as those condemning police brutality—in those cases, the protestors wanted to be treated better by police, something that should happen anyway. With the case of the new president-elect, the protestors are complaining about not getting their way.  Besides that, Trump isn’t even president yet.  He’s been elected, but he won’t be sworn in until early next year.  Even if we don’t trust Trump, can’t we at least give our fellow Americans the benefit of the doubt for choosing him?  And even if we can’t there’s nothing that can be done at this point.  If he’s a bad president, he can be impeached, but there is no constitutional way to prevent him from taking office come January.

Finally, I was disappointed by how little respect Trump supporters got from the media.  Not the man himself—Trump makes himself an easy target for ridicule—but the citizens who attended his rallies and put his signs in their front yards.  They were depicted as dumb hicks and religious zealots who were too stupid to be reasoned with.  The fact that they were mocked so much may have had a hand in the election’s outcome.  While I haven’t heard of anyone saying that they voted for Trump as a way of protesting this mockery, I’m sure that at the very least it kept them from considering Clinton.  I imagine one of these people watching Saturday Night Live, Last Week Tonight, or even The Tonight Show and hearing something to the equivalent of “Are you thinking about voting for Trump?  Here’s a list of ways that you’re stupid.”  That kind of rhetoric isn’t going to convince anyone that isn’t already on your side.

I do like some of the things I’ve seen (mostly on Facebook) where people are sharing the sentiment that we need to unite as a citizenry and respect each other and the way we voted.  I didn’t vote for Trump and I don’t care for the man or his politics, but I believe in this country.  America is not a bunch of rules and documents; it’s people who believe in each other and those who have gone before us.  I believe in America and I hope that the rest of my brothers and sister in this, the greatest nation in the world, can share that faith with me.

General Conference, October 2016

Once again, we've come to that time of year where we get to enjoy a lovely weekend of being edified and uplifted by the servants of the Lord in the worldwide broadcast that is General Conference.  I watched the Saturday sessions with Leah, who was a great companion throughout (though I'm sure it didn't hurt that I made homemade burrito bowls for us).  On Sunday, we went and visited with Ian, Sherlin, and the kids.  The kids who watched (Henry, Aeva, and Clara) were surprisingly well behaved, though they were clearly antsy by the end of the final session.  Sherlin was a great hostess and provided snacks for the sessions and dinner once the whole thing was over.  It was great to spend time with people whom I care so much about.

As for the conference itself, one major theme really jumped out to me: repentance.  While repentance is easy to turn into a message of doom and despair, nearly every talk (if not every single one) that mentioned it was hopeful, focusing on the joy of a clear conscience and a clean soul.  Sister Linda S. Reeves' talk on the matter was particularly poignant.

I always enjoy General Conference, though I like it best when I can share it with my loved ones, as I was able to this time.

Irreplaceable

Yesterday at work, I took a picture of one of the lab technicians posed to like he was working (because what he was really working on at the time required he just sit at a computer).  The picture is for an upcoming ad and I had him look through a microscope, which I thought looked very scientificky.  As I was framing the shot and getting in the right position, the lab tech, Sean, commented that I have a lot of jobs in our office: technical writer, photographer, and videographer.  I smiled and confirmed that, yes, I utilize a lot of different skills for the company and it was all part of my plan to ensure my own job security.

"Yeah," I said, "I do a lot of different jobs, but that means I'll be harder to replace.  If they lose me, they'll have to hire three people to do all my jobs."

I have never felt more secure in at any other job than I do now, so job security's not really on my mind, but it's still a good idea to not just do your job well, but do a wide range of jobs well.  And the truth is of the matter is, the more I do for Danfoss, the more irreplaceable I'll be.

General Conference, October 2015

General Conference weekend is such a wonderful time; shame that we only get to experience it twice a year.

As with Conferences past, I looked for overarching themes across all of the talks.  More than anything else, the thing that stood out to me was the need to be faithful in the Church.  Sometimes that came through in a message about the dangers of the world in which we live, sometimes it was in a message of the joy of service, sometimes it was in a message about the wonderful blessing of the Atonement, but that theme stood out to me more than any other.

When I spoke to my parents soon after the final session, they asked me what my favorite talk was.  Since I hadn't thought that specifically about any particular talk, I was surprised by their question.  However, I was quick to answer that, at least at that moment, President Nelson's talk from the Sunday Morning session was my favorite.  While following the theme I addressed above, he also talked about the need for a loving companion in life and in the gospel.  I'm sure that the personal circumstances I'm currently experiencing made his words touch me in such a profound way, though I'm also sure that I would have found his words comforting even without a pending divorce.

It was also wonderful to hear from the three new apostles.  I'll admit that they don't really stand out to me as distinct individuals right now -- I can't remember their names without being reminded -- but that will change over the next few Conferences as we get to hear from them more and more.

One thing that I'm planning on doing this time that I haven't done before is that I'm going to start reviewing the Conference talks right away.  Starting tomorrow, I'm going to supplement my normal scripture study with one talk a day from Conference.  I enjoyed this Conference, so I'm looking forward to learning even more from the upcoming review.

What stood out to you?

Danglish

Since I work for a Danish company, a lot of the documents that I'm asked to edit are written in what the people in my office playfully refer to as "Danglish."  For the most part, Danglish is just poorly written English, though I have notice one characteristic: missing definite articles.

I found it strange that definite articles would be dropped, but indefinite articles would mostly appear in their proper places.  Curious, I looked up Danish grammar on Wikipedia.  Interestingly, indefinite articles are separate words from their nouns, but most definite articles are simply suffixes attached at the end of their noun.  With this in mind, it makes sense that native Danish-speakers would forget to add a definite article when one is warranted, because in Danish, most definite articles don't exist.

With what I learned by reading the crowd-sourced article, I'm actually toying with the idea of convincing my next manager to get Danfoss to pay for Danish lessons for me, so I can better anticipate the mistakes that will be made and, more importantly, be better able to describe to Danish speakers why my edits are necessary.  Plus, it'll make pronouncing tough Danish words easier, or at least less humorous.

Popular Title

Often when I take my lunch break at work, I'll read the scriptures to prepare for the upcoming discussion in Sunday School that week (sometimes I'll run an errand on my lunch, which is why it's "often" and not "always").  This week, I read about the testimony and subsequent martyrdom of Stephen.  In his testimony of Jesus Christ as the Son of God, he compares the Savior to Moses, saying that Moses was an example to the Messiah to come and how Christ was that prophesied Anointed One.

This was nothing new to me as I've read Acts several times before.  However, what struck me was that when Stephen recounted the story of Moses, he quoted the LORD when He spoke to Moses in the burning bush: "...I am the God of thy fathers, the God of Abraham, and the God of Issac, and the God of Jacob." (Acts 7:32)  This is a commonly used title that appears throughout the scriptures, so why did it stand out to me this time?

Moses was raised in the Egyptian royal family, adopted by the daughter of the Pharaoh.  Moses was "learned in all the wisdom of the Egyptians," which likely meant that he had been educated to believe in Egyptian theology.  While we don't know how strongly, or even if, he believed in the Egyptian pantheon, we can probably assume that he was at least familiar with polytheism.  (He also very likely knew that he was a Hebrew since he was willing to kill an Egyptian taskmaster to protect "his brethren.")  So when the LORD introduced himself to Moses, He wanted to make sure that Moses did not confuse Him with one of the false gods with whom he was likely familiar.  By using not just one but three prominent patriarchs to establish Himself, the LORD ensured that Moses would not mistake Him for anyone else.

And the title stuck.

Not the most earth-shattering piece of insight, but it made think me about a story and a title that I've known for a long time in a brand new way.  Which, by the way, is a great example of why we keep reading the scriptures over and over again.

Hardest Working Writers

I attended my new ward's choir practice for the first time yesterday.  The stand-in chorister (the official chorister and pianist are out of town) enthusiastically welcomed me, adding that the choir is "pathetic" -- I think she meant that there aren't enough regularly attending members, since there was no bite to her words.  The song we practiced was on the upper end of my register, which was made even harder since I was fasting and my larynx needed lubricating, but otherwise it wasn't an overly complicated song (for the bass part, at least).

After we finished up, the stand-in pianist said hello to me and welcomed me to the choir and to the ward.  I thanked her and said something positive in return and went and found an empty pew on which to sit.  As it turned out, I happened to sit right in front of her and her family.  This sister, Naomi, asked me a few more questions, like where I had just moved from what brought me to the area.  When I said that I had moved there for work, she asked what I did for a living.  When I told her, she said that "technical writers are the hardest working writers in the world."

Not only did she know what technical writing is (the second Sunday in a row that's happened), but she has a great admiration for it.  I, of course, asked how she knew what tech writing was and she said that she had majored in English and had worked as a high school English teacher for a while.  She then added that "we English majors have to stick together."

To think, I didn't like this ward when I first moved in and now I've met two people that have great respect for what I do.  Amazing what happens when we stop being overly judgmental, isn't it?

Weird Sadness

Allison's been served.  That means that our divorce is finally moving forward.  This is something that I've been working towards for months.  I've had several confirmations from the Spirit that this divorce is needed and necessary and I've been frustrated with the delays we've had with making this happen.

So, imagine my surprise that when I had finished making arrangements with Allison for her to receive the summons, that I broke down crying.  After all the pain and frustration I've already experienced, I didn't think I had any tears left.

This is another reminder that love is complicated.  You hurt someone and they hurt you and they hate you and you can't help but get angry when you talk to them and the best thing for both of you is to end your relationship, but you're still sad to see them go.  You remember how they laughed at your jokes and how they pushed you to be a better student and how the smell of their mouth was the most wonderful aroma you've ever experienced.  Despite all of the reasons that prove you need to go your separate ways, you're still sad about it and wish it could have ended differently.

Not knowing how to process these feelings, I shared them with Allison.  She confessed that she was sad too, adding that it was "weird."  Yeah, after all this time, it is weird to feel sad about getting divorced.  Weird, but, again, for the best.

Tuesdays with Media: Song Names

I've mentioned before that I often use Pandora to discover new instrumental musicians to listen to while I'm at work.  For the most part, I just focus on whatever project I'm working on, but if a song is really good, I'll take a moment to write down the song name and artist so I can find it again later.  At my current job (which I've worked at now for seven months), I have two large Post-It notes stuck to my cubicle wall, filled with song names.

What's interesting about this is that some songs have names that change how you interpreted the song from when you first heard it.  Take Antoine Dufour's song "Mother," it doesn't sound particularly motherly to me, at least at first -- thinking more about it, there's a lot of care taken with every string plucked, every chord strummed, just as mothers take care with their children.  Or take Andy McKee's song "Samus' Stardrive," which I just thought was a thoughtful, moving song, perhaps about a lost love, but the name makes it clear that it's about a video game.  And Stephen Bennett's song "In Memory of Joe LoMastro," just sounds exciting, like you can't wait to take on the world, but it's about a man's passing.

Now, just because these song titles don't match what I imagine, doesn't make my interpretation wrong, just different from what the artist intended.  Having my own stories interpreted differently than what I intended, I know that that's fine (at least it is for me).  But what about when a piece's title is distracting?  I recently discovered Kaki King, who has a fun, often pounding, percussive style to her playing, though she can also make songs that sound ethereal.  I remember when I heard one of her songs, played on a lap guitar, that had a strong electronica-feel to it.  I decided I liked it enough to want to write the title down and was surprised by what I found: "Gay Sons of Lesbian Mothers."  What on earth does that have to do with the song I just heard?  There are no words, so it's not like she can force that interpretation on me ... unless I see the title, I guess?

My point to all of this is that what a song is named can be a glimpse of what the artist was trying to convey with their music, but it doesn't have to be what we get out of it.  Song lyrics will get in your head even if you ignore them, but the same is not true for instrumental song titles.  Good thing too, because I've never seen the German TV show for which Don Ross' "Klimbim" is named so if I had have his interpretation, I'd be lost.

You Don't Even Know Me

One of the recent times that my sister, Margot, visited, she commented that I needed to share my thoughts on a matter because my face was blank and she didn't know how I felt about it.  I was a little surprised, but I guess I have trained myself to have my "standard face" be one of no emotion.  That could allow some people project onto me emotions that I'm not actually experiencing.  Perhaps that's what happened yesterday.

Yesterday evening, I was driving home from mutual where I was helping to supervise a joint activity between the Young Men and Young Women of our ward and a neighboring ward (it involved plenty of water balloons) when I stopped by a nearby grocery store to pick up a quart of milk.  I had had an enjoyable evening and had gotten a chance to talk with some of the other adults with whom I am friends, so I was feeling pretty good.  However, when I walked up to the store's entrance, a woman who was waiting for her ride told me to "Cheer up: at least you don't live in Texas" (I assume she's referring to the floods that are currently affecting the people of the Lone Star state.)  I quickly went from "neutral" to "majorly annoyed" and I said what first came to mind: "You don't even know me."  I never stopped walking during our exchange, so I went inside and never heard her reply, if she gave one.

I recognize that she was trying to be nice, cheering up a guy who she assumed was not having the best day.  But my day had been fine.  She was making assumptions about how I should express myself when I'm alone.  In doing so, she replaced my "simply not smiling" with a scowl.

There's a bit of a parallel here with women who get told something like "You'd be prettier if you smiled" by random guys as they're walking somewhere.  No, I don't have it nearly as bad -- I'm a college-educated, tall, white, Christian man; I am a member of the least oppressed group in history, not withstanding the Church's early years.  But regardless of gender, why do people feel the need to give advice to random strangers on their mood?  For all that woman knew, I knew one of the victims that the floods claimed and her comment could have caused me to burst into tears.  I could have been from Texas and missed living there, in spite of the recent events.  I could be dealing the sea of emotions that comes with getting divorced.  And so on.

I should say that I calmed down pretty quickly after the interaction and by the time I had paid for the milk, I was back to "neutral."  Still, I find it very bizarre (and, yes, frustrating) that someone told me to cheer up when I recognize that I'm the happiest I've been in years.  A lack of tears doesn't mean someone isn't sad, just as a lack of a smile doesn't mean a lack of contentment.

Missing The

One fun thing about my job is that I get random proofreading assignments that were written by non-native English-speakers.  Yes, I am aware of how incredibly nerdy I am for describing "proofreading" as "fun."

I don't speak Danish, but I'm guessing that articles aren't used a lot, particularly definite articles.  If I'm proofing something written by a Dane (which is most of the time when it wasn't written by someone in my office), there are more dropped the's than ... I don't know where I was going with that comparison, but you get the idea -- the's get no love.

Also, Danish appears to have some syntax similarities to Spanish with overly complex (for English) sentences that have "of" in an awkward place.  Instead of saying "make sure the bolts are secure," they'll use something like "ensure the security of [the] bolts."  Not grammatically wrong, just awkward.

I don't get these sorts of assignments very often, but I enjoy the break from routine when they come.

Novice No More

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this on the blog already, but Ian has been hired as a contractor to do video editing at Danfoss.  During my first few weeks working there, I was asked if I knew anyone that did video editing, so I mentioned that I had a brother that had made a couple of homemade movies with his kids.  That was enough to peak management's interest, so Ian submitted an audition video and was hired on to do the editing in his free time.  It works well for everyone: Ian gets to be a professional video editor and Danfoss gets great quality editing work at a discount, since this is Ian's first paid gig.

I bring all of this up, because this week, we started working on another video, this one about one of the valves that Danfoss makes.  I gathered the raw footage and sent it to him (via cloud), but gave him very little direction since it was pretty straight forward.

Or so I thought.

He sent me an email back asking for lots of details about what was in the footage.  You mean not everyone knows what a thermostatic expansions valve does and how it attaches to a system?  It isn't common knowledge what an evaporator coil does?  The difference between an air conditioning system and a heat pump is obvious?

Joking aside, those were all issues I had to cover.  I've gotten so used to being behind the curve when it comes to industry knowledge at work that I hadn't realized that I've learned a lot.  I'm by no means an expert, but I know more than just the basics when it comes to the HVACR industry.  And I have to admit, that feels pretty awesome.

Tuesdays with Media: Product Placement

One of the big complaints that I kept encountering a couple of years ago with Man of Steel was all of the blatant product placement used through out the film.  I'm here to defend that practice.

First of all, I often feel like critics of product placement feel that it gets in the way of the art.  Though movies are a form of art, filmmakers still have a job to do, and that job is to make money.  We don't complain about commercial breaks on TV, mostly because we're accustomed to them, but for a long time, TV hosts would say that a show is "brought to you by" some brand of laundry soap or cigarettes.  So product placement in movies is newer (except that it isn't), but that doesn't mean that it corrupts the integrity of the producers who approved the use of product placement.

Going back to Man of Steel for an example, one of Clark Kent's friends from grade school grows up and becomes the manager of the local IHOP in Smallville, Kansas.  The restaurant is never named and the fact that it's an IHOP rather than a Denny's, a Waffle House, or a Bob Evan's is completely irrelevant.  By using IHOP's logo, it was quick shorthand for the audience that Clark's friend has a lousy job.  I noticed the IHOP logos, but Ian didn't.  I don't think that I'm more observant, I simply noticed because I worked at an IHOP for two and a half years.

Another reason that product placement can be good is that it's often more distracting if a fake product is used in its place.  For example, in the better-than-expected World War Z, Brad Pitt's character takes a quick break from running from zombies to have a refreshing drink.

"Ah!"

Yes, the Pepsi logo is prominently displayed, but wouldn't it be more distracting if the machine was filled with Zing Cola (which I just made up)?  By using a real-world product, it makes the film experience more immersive.

Whenever I see a movie that has noticeable product placement, I ask myself a couple of questions:

1) Does the particular product play a role in plot?
2) Is the product ever mentioned by name?

If the answer to both questions is "no," then I don't see a problem with it.  For example, in the nineties classic Honey, I Blew Up the Kid, the only way to get the shrink ray to work is to focus part of a laser beam through a coke bottle.  Bad science aside, that's really blatant because it breaks my two rules.

In the end, filmmakers' jobs are to make money.  We live a weird society that is built on the idea that if you work hard and are smart you will be rewarded with wealth, but if your pursuit is purely for wealth (which is the reward), than you are a bad person.  When producers are sitting down to figure out how to fund a movie, especially a movie that will require lots of expensive special effects, using product placement can be an easy way to secure more funds.  That doesn't mean that the movie will be better because it has better effects, just as it doesn't mean that a movie will be bad if uses product placement.  Man of Steel was not a perfect film, but the fact that it uses product placement does not make it terrible, either.

The Sadder Thing

On Monday, I took some time off of work, went to my county's Clerk's office, and filed for divorce.

Yeah.

While I was standing in line, directly in front of me was a couple waiting to get married.  Not applying for a marriage license but actually getting married.  I thought to myself, What's sadder, filing for divorce or getting married in jeans with no family present?  But even after just a few seconds, I realized that I was harshly judging this couple.  It was 9 am on a Monday morning, so all of their friends and family were probably at work.  And maybe they didn't dress up not because they didn't care, but because they're poor and didn't have anything nicer.  They were both wearing white tops and they looked well-groomed, so they took at least some care.

So, I realized that the question that I sarcastically asked myself pointed to the simple fact that joining your life to another person's, even in less-than-ideal circumstances, is an expression of love and hope.

And getting divorced is just sad.

"Come and See"

In my scripture studies recently, I came across a phrase that was repeatedly used: “Come and see.”  This phrase appears twice in the first chapter of the Gospel of John.  First, right after Jesus is baptized and his divinity is testified by God the Father and John the Baptist, some of John’s disciples approached Jesus and asked where he lived.  His reply: “Come and see.”  Later, when Philip tells his friend, Nathanial, about having found the prophesied Messiah and that he lives in Nazareth, Nathanial scoffs and asks if anything worthwhile can come out of a town like Nazareth.  Philip’s response: “Come and see.”

It struck me as I read that this is a perfect approach to missionary work.  A coworker asks a question about the Book of Mormon?  Give them a free copy and challenge them to read it for themselves.  A neighbor asks where you go to Church dressed so nicely every Sunday morning?  Invite them to attend with you.  A friend asks about what the deal with that big fancy temple is?  Invite them to attend the visitor’s center with you (if one is available).

This very topic was discussed by Elder Bednar in the last General Conference, so it shouldn’t be surprising that these particular words stood out to me.  Even so, discovering the significance of this phrase for myself, rather than hearing a lecture (even one from an inspired man of God), meant that the lesson is much more personal and memorable.

In closing, I encourage everyone to remember the words of the Savior and, when the opportunity presents itself, invite.  Our responsibility is to share the Gospel with those around us; after that, the words of the Lord and the power of the Holy Ghost will do the rest.

I Don't Know How She Does It

During this last weekend, I drove up to New Jersey to visit my sister and her family.  The idea was that we'd all get to hang out during General Conference together.  Friday's Next Tuesday's post will be about my time there with regards to the kids, but today I wanted to focus on my big sister.

Margot is currently wearing a walking cast on her right foot, which means that in addition to hobbling around everywhere, she also can't drive.  Despite this, she still runs a house full of people with big personalities.  And I do mean that she runs the house.  Not to take anything away from my brother-in-law, Bryan, it's just that he was super busy with work and was barely home while I was visiting. Margot appreciated my help, but it was clear to me that my being there was a bonus and if I hadn't come to stay with them, she would have had a handle on everything.

During my stay, Margot prepared personalized notebooks for the three big kids to use during Conference, made three home-cooked dinners, and made a big waffle breakfast for the Saturday morning session - Bryan and I helped with that last one, but Margot handled the big stuff on her own.

We also had a miniature emergency while visiting a local park.  When we were getting ready to leave, Margot saw a black bear wandering around about a couple hundred yards away.  She immediately rounded the kids up and got them back in the car and I drove us home.  No one else at the park seemed concerned (much like native Californians don't get too worried during earthquakes), but Margot was pretty collected considering that, in her eyes, her children were in danger.

All of this (fresh meals, bear scares, and Conference) was mixed in with a heaping helping of oppositional defiance from her kids.  Even on the "good days" every child but Sophie got multiple time-outs.  In her house, if a child is given a time-out and they don't comply immediately with the punishment or try to talk their way out of it, they get additional time-outs.  I wanted to point this out because there was never a time that a single time-out was administered.  And for the most part, Margot stayed pretty calm through it all.

Did I mention that she's also still nursing her youngest?  So, think of all of the things I've mentioned and add to it regular breaks to feed Sophie.

It was really educational to see all of what she goes through and yet she still has a good attitude.  If I'm half the parent that my big sis is when I have kids, I'll consider it a success.

Principles for Improved Interpersonal Ralationships

I read an article a few weeks back about a women who discovered her husband was secretly an internet troll.  For those who don’t know, a "troll" is someone that argues online for no real reason – they verbally assault people, belittling them and their point of view because they like feeling superior to other people; they're bullies, basically.  The woman in the article was shocked and gave her husband an ultimatum: he stops trolling and they go to marriage counseling or they get divorced.

Her demands were unreasonable.  Here's why:

Firstly, while I do not condone keeping secrets from your spouse, discovering something dark about your significant other does not actually make everything else a lie.  Let’s say that you found out that your husband used to participate in dog fighting and only stopped because of a close-call with the cops.  That doesn't mean that every time he gently handled the family dog was disingenuous or that he hates animals.  Should his dark past be addressed?  Absolutely.  Should he feel coerced into talking about it?  No.  Now I recognize that it can be difficult to control your emotions when you’re under duress and that can make looking at the big picture difficult, which is why it's usually a good idea to try to cool off before addressing complex issues like newly-discovered secrets.

That leads into the next part, which is that things are never black and white.  Our brains naturally like to put things into categories because it makes life easier to process.  It's easy to think that carnivores are dangerous and herbivores are safe, but the truth is that hippopotamuses kill more people every year than crocodiles.  Life is more complicated than we want to admit.  Maybe our analogous husband got into dog fighting because it was a way to bond with his otherwise emotionally distant father, so he associates the activity with fond memories.  That doesn't excuse his involvement in a brutal, and illegal, sport, but it does add perspective to his past.  It also helps his wife see him as a person who made mistakes and not as a "monster."

Finally, you can't change another person.  Going back to the real example from the beginning, the woman saw her husband's behavior as a troll as unacceptable, so she demanded that he change.  The problem is that she doesn’t have the right to demand that.  She can say that she is uncomfortable with his behavior, that she can’t support him while he does it, she can even say that if he doesn't change she will be forced to leave him, but once she makes demands of him, she's crossed the line.

Let me try to elaborate a bit.  Last winter, I was unemployed and I had a lot of time to think.  I discovered that I wasn't the person that I wanted to be.  I didn’t like that, so I made a concerted effort to change.  I saw some failings that I wanted gone, so worked to get rid of them.  But, and this is important, I did it for me.  Motivation to change can begin with someone else pointing out what's wrong with us, but unless we adopt it ourselves, the change won't stick.  How many stories have you heard about someone working on an addiction, trying to lose weight, or even changing religions for another person, only for that person to revert to their old ways before long?  Too many to count, I’m sure.

My point to writing this essay is to put down in words some ideas that have been ruminating in my head for a while, but also to help anyone that may be dealing with interpersonal relationship issues.  Whether you’re having problems with your spouse, a friend, or a coworker, it’s important to employ the three principles discussed here:

1. One lie does not change everything
2. People are not all-good or all-bad.
3. True, lasting change needs to be personal.

Even if the woman with the troll for a husband had followed these steps, it may not have been enough to save their marriage.  Even under the best circumstances, marriages are hard.  However, using the right tools can make it possible to overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles.  I earned these tools the hard way, through adversity and hard work.  Hopefully, these tools will work for you as well.

Epiphany

In Elder's Quorum on Sunday, we had a lesson based on Elder Robert D. Hale's talk from last conference.  At one point in the talk, Elder Hale points out that Cain and his descendants "loved Satan more than God" and thus chose to disobey his commandments.  When we read this, I had a "liken the scriptures" moment when I realized how this applies to us.

Before I get to that, I do want to say that when I first remember reading that passage on my mission (I read it before, I'm sure, but it was on my mission when it stuck) that I realized how corrupt and wicked Cain and his children were.  They weren't simply prideful and wicked, like the Nephites during their times of unrighteousness, but they were in open rebellion to everything that God stands for.  They were true sons and daughters of perdition.

But Cain actually knew God and Satan, or had at least met them.  We aren't faced with a choice as tangible as Cain's.  For us, it may be the temptation to watch TV instead of read our scriptures, to go for a run instead of doing our home teaching, or hanging out with friends instead of attending church.  While we may be faithful otherwise, in those moments, we "love [blank] more than God."  We may not be choosing Satan over our Father in Heaven, but we are choosing something else and, therefore, saying that it is more important than obedience.

This may not be anything new to the rest of you, but it was a big revelation to me.  I know that we all struggle with certain things and that no one is perfectly obedient all of the time, but that's where the atonement comes in.  As we work to root the disobedience out of our souls, the Savior will make up the difference.

I am happy to have wonderful insights like this from the spirit, just as I'm glad to have a place where I can share said insight.

Asking the Right Questions

Samuel has been working part-time as a dishwasher ever since he got his work visa.  He is qualified for better work, but he hasn't had any luck find something else within walking distance, so he's still a dishwasher.  Since starting work there, he's complained about how the managers haven't paid him all of his wages yet.  I told him that he would need to review his pay stub before he complained to anyone, to make sure that he had a claim to make, but I encouraged him to confront the managers to make sure that he gets paid everything he's earned.

As it turns out, Samuel didn't understand how earning an hourly wage works.  He's explained to me that in his homeland, everyone is paid a salary.  When you start work, they tell you how much you'll make each week and cut you a check for that amount.  I thought I had explained the basics to him (and how for a labor-intensive job like washing dishes, earning a wage is actually better than a salary), but I apparently was still making some assumptions about what he knew.  The idea that he wouldn't get paid for his thirty minute break was brand new to him and one of the reasons that he kept complaining that "they don't pay me!"  The bigger issue, however, was that he didn't understand the delay between a pay period ending and actually being paid.  Once I saw that missing piece it was easy to explain that every business needs time to process the hours worked and take out the right amount of taxes.  He saw that hours were missing from his paycheck and couldn't understand why he was being told that they would carry over to the next check.  He simply saw it as an excuse to not pay him.

Living with someone from a foreign country has been an interesting exercise in communication.  I can't use idioms and I try to cut down on using slang (though, like a true Californian, I never stop saying "dude").  On top of that, I just learned that when I think I've explained something thoroughly, I may have left out some vital piece of information.  Even so, I have it easy: Samuel has an even tougher time recognizing when he misunderstands a situation, so I do my best to help out where I can.

Do Americans Have the Right to Be Stupid?

Recently, celebrity doctor, Dr. Oz, has come under fire for faulty advice he's given out on his show.  As a way to pay for his show, in addition to traditional commercials, he has endorsed homeopathic products with little or no scientific evidence of being effective.  Some people have even put Dr. Oz's advice over that of their own physician.  He is being sued for his false claims.

Here's the question that no one is asking: is he responsible for people blindly following his advice?  This isn't really about him endorsing products (celebrities do that all the time), this is about Americans wanting to place the blame for their own stupidity on someone else.

So, going back to the title of this post, do Americans have the right to be stupid?  I believe so.  If I want be lazy and not work, I shouldn't be forced to - nor should I be cared for if I take that route in life.  If I want to only eat junk food and avoid vegetables like the plague, the FDA shouldn't be there to put broccoli on my hamburger.  I'm not suggesting that all regulations cease; it's nice to know that there can be no more than one rodent hair per 100 grams of chocolate produced in the US and I don't want that to go away.  What I'm saying is that too often, we want to be protected from ourselves.

I for one do not see Dr. Oz as a villainous person that is taking advantage of his show to hock sugar pills to unsuspecting saps.  I also don't see him as a victim who was duped into selling worthless crap.  He's a guy that got caught up in being a celebrity.  People say that as an actual doctor, he should know better.  I say that we should know better than to treat an advertisement as medical advice.

I realize that I'm at an advantage when compared to the average American: I'm a member of a church that teaches it's members to look beyond the surface and gain a deep understanding of the truth for themselves and not to simply take someone else's word for it.  With that kind of outlook, it's a lot harder to get swept up in lies and half-truths.