Beck: Live in Concert

Last night, I saw my favorite musician, Beck, perform live in Charlottesville, Virginia.  And it was amazing.

Leah came with me, despite not being familiar with Beck's music beyond his biggest hit, "Loser."  I took advantage of the long drive down to the venue to introduce her to some of his discography -- it probably would have been better if I had played just some of my favorites, but I just set my iPod to shuffle through my Beck collection, though I pointed out when a particular song really spoke to me.

Once we got down to Charlottesville, we checked into our hotel so we could just go straight to sleep after the show.  When it was time to head over to the amphitheater, I suddenly felt the bottom of my stomach drop away: I had forgotten the tickets.  I immediately started having a panic attack and even started crying, but Leah came to my rescue and told me to look up the confirmation email so I could show my proof of purchase to get replacement tickets.  I searched for said email, but nothing came up.  I called Ticketmaster and worked my way through the phone tree (and multiple disconnections) while Leah called the concert venue, Sprint Pavilion.  I never got through to anyone, but Leah did and found out that as long as I have my ID and the credit card I used, the staff at the venue would be able issue me new tickets.  I felt a lot better, but I didn't completely calm down until I had the replacement tickets in hand.

A picture to remember where we parked becomes a fun memory with the addition of a cute pose.

(I know that I spent years in a relationship with an emotionally abusive partner, so my perspective is warped, but I was truly touched when Leah wouldn't let me give up after my blunder.  She helped me find a solution and didn't abandon me when my anxiety got the best of me.  I cannot thank her enough for what she did for me.)

Despite getting in line right when the doors opened, we were able to quickly make it to the front of the audience.  The way the amphitheater is set up, there were no seats at the front, just an open area in which to stand and we were third or fourth from the very front.  For the most part people were well behaved and didn't try force their way to the front (the exception being two rather short teenaged girls near the beginning and a drunk guy near the end of the show).

A selfie while the opening act tuned their instruments.

The opening act was a band from Sweden called Peter Bjorn and John, which was confusing for me because they left out a much needed comma from their band's name (the three founding members of the band are Peter, Bjorn, and John, for which the band is named).  They were a great band to get the crowd in the mood.  The lead guitarist and singer was very energetic and jumped around a lot while he played: there was even one song where he only sang and he walked through the audience, with lots of people giving him high fives (the high fives didn't start until after he passed us, so I never got one).  I enjoyed the music they played and was especially surprised when I heard a song I recognized, "Young Folks."  They only played for about thirty minutes, but I'm glad I got to see them.

My view for the evening.

It took about thirty-five minutes for the road crew to clear Peter Bjorn and John's set from the stage and for Beck's band to start playing.  The man of the hour came out after the music had already started, allowing the crowd to really get amped up.  The band started with the classic song, "Devi's Haircut," but with extra solos.  And no Beck performance would be complete without a rendition of the song that made him famous, "Loser," which was the second song of the night.  His crowd work was great, pointing the mic to the audience for every chorus.  I looked over at Leah and even though she only kind of knew the song, she was really into it.

I liked that Beck sang some songs and picked up his guitar and played while singing for others.  Even though he let his backup band carry the majority of the songs, make no mistake: this guy can play.

After one particularly moving song, "Paper Tiger," Beck asked a girl in the audience if she was okay, because she had been moved to tears.  She apparently said that she was because he kept going, but you could tell that he was touched that she had felt something so powerful through his music.

And like every good show, there was even a costume change:

Maybe not a particularly exciting costume change, but I appreciated the effort.

About halfway into the show, Beck introduced the members of his band, though I didn't catch any of their names.  Still, here's what they look like:

During the bassist's introduction, he started playing Micheal Jackson's "Billie Jean" and the rest of the band joined in. Beck pointed the mic at the audience for the chorus and later commented that we were "surprisingly in key." 

As the band worked their way through many of Beck's bigger hits, I kept track in my head if there were any major ones that had been left out.  Just as I was worried that one of his biggest hits (and one of my personal favorites) would be excluded, "E-pro" was played as the closing song.  The band quickly vacated the stage, but the audience stayed and cheered for a solid minute, so Beck (unaccompanied) came back out for an encore!  He sang and played his harmonica, which resulted in even more cheers.  After this final song, the roadies came and started breaking down the set, a clear sign that the show was over.

There were a lot of ups and downs leading up to this show, but in the end I had a great time.  I loved the music, I loved the company, and I'm glad I took a ridiculous number of pictures.  I'm exhausted, but it was worth it for the experience.

A Worrying Series of Events

I've been on my new medication, oxcarbazepine, for nearly a month.  For the most part, I feel great.  It's the other times that have me worried.

While my depression has mostly dissipated, my anxiety has taken the opportunity to rear its ugly head again.  I don't know if my anxiety was always there and I just didn't notice it because of the depression or if only one can be experienced at a time, but whatever the case, I'm forced to maintain behaviors that will help me control my anxiety.  Thankfully, many of the same behaviors that work against depression also work against anxiety.  Also of benefit, while my anxiety has returned, I don't believe it's any stronger than it was before I started taking levetiracetam.  As far as my emotional health goes, I'm happy with the change.

Unfortunately, that's not the only issue.  Yesterday while I was at work, I experienced aphasia.  It was relatively mild, but it has me worried.  While I can chalk up the seizure I had two weeks ago to the transition, can I do the same with the aphasiatic episode?  I called my neurologist, but I haven't heard back from her yet (she works out of the local hospital and they suck at delivering messages).  Maybe the episode was due to something we can fix (maybe my dosage is too low or I have stop eating cheese or something), but it definitely has me worried.

My concern lies not only with the fact that aphasia may be a precursor for seizures, but also that I may have to switch back to levetiracetam and return to struggling to live my life.  Hopefully, I'll hear back from the doctor soon and we'll be able to solve the problem in a way that doesn't require me to switch back.

Heck of a Week

I've had a rough week.  The sleep study threw me off, first by making it so I had to skip the gym and second by making me endure the anxiety of having a stranger touch my face and head as they attached electrodes.  Despite my best efforts, I was unable to make it to the gym the rest of the week.  I've mentioned before that exercise helps me keep my anxiety and depression in check and without it, I was drowning.  It got so bad that when I got to work yesterday, I felt like I was going to break down and cry at my desk.

I decided that I needed to do something, so I text messaged my home teacher and asked him for a blessing that evening.  I've been honest with him about my recent struggles, so he wasn't surprised and he agreed to meet me soon after I got home from work.  Throughout the rest of the day, I got a bit better and I was able to be productive (and I never cried).

When I got home, I was nervous about having a visitor since my apartment is not in great shape.  I keep my kitchen clean, but I haven't cleaned the rest of it in a while.  It's not filthy or anything, but there's clutter that needs to be taken care of.  Picking things up would probably only take about twenty minutes, but since I've had trouble leaving the house some days, having a clean apartment hasn't been a priority.  Still, I at least cleared off one of my couches in case he wanted to sit down.

I didn't have to wait long before there was a knock at my door.  I let in my home teacher, Rob, and a member of the Elder's Quorum presidency, Mike.  I thanked them for coming and explained that I suspected that my worsening symptoms might be caused by the nocebo effect (basically, since I found out about the side effects of levetiracetam, my symptoms caused by the medication have worsened).  They administered to me and I was told to turn to my family for strength and comfort and to remember that the ward is here to help me.  I instantly felt better.

After I got up and shook their hands, we chatted for about ten minutes.  They both have struggled with depression and offered some advice on how they cope (I also learned that Mike went to the MTC with an Elder who served in my mission, had a seizure while behind the wheel, and was sentenced to a year in jail.  I didn't remember the Elder's name, but the specifics were close enough that asked where the Elder served and, sure enough, it was Cleveland, Ohio.  Small world.).  As we chatted, we ended up making plans for a game night on Tuesday.  Who knew that depression could bring people together?

After Rob and Mike left, I decided to go for a run.  The weather was beautiful for this time of year, and I needed to do some exercising.  Since the sun was going down, I made sure to wear my reflective visibility vest so drivers would see me.  I was nearly done with my run when I got distracted, didn't watch where I was stepping, and tripped and fell.  It was weird because it seemed like nearly recovered three separate times before I finally met the pavement.  I skinned my right elbow, got some scrapes on my right leg, and I think I the bruised the palm of my right hand and part of my left foot (I won't know for sure for a couple of days).  All in all, it could have been much worse.  I was even able to run the rest of the way home.

There is one truly annoying thing that happened, though: I fell on my phone.  Since I don't have a fancy smart phone, it'll be easy and inexpensive to replace.  The good news is that my phone still works; the bad news is that with the screen busted, I can't send or receive texts (I mean, I can, but I won't be able to read them).  Even with the injuries and busted phone, I'm happy that I went running.

This week has not been an easy one, but I have reasons to believe that the future will be brighter.

Incremental Improvement

Friday evening after work, as I was driving home, I felt myself starting to get anxious.  I had no plans for the weekend and that usually ends in disaster.  I hadn't slept well the night before, so I decided to skip the gym, which made it easier to make unhealthy choices regarding what I ate for dinner.  Still, I reigned things in, ate a modest dinner, and went to bed early.

I woke up on Saturday feeling better, but I was still tired, despite getting plenty of sleep.  I got up and ate breakfast,  but I never felt like I really woke up.  After fighting the fatigue for a couple of hours, I took a nap.  I struggled to wake up when my alarm went off, but I eventually pulled myself out of bed.  I ate some fruit to raise my blood sugar and get me moving, which helped, but I still felt weird.  I wanted to make it to the gym or even just do my grocery shopping for the week, but I wasn't able to leave my apartment even once that day.

After the last day-and-a-half, I was afraid that I wouldn't make it to church on Sunday, so I fasted that I would attend my meetings the next day.  Thankfully, that helped and I made it to church in time for Sacrament meeting.  I was still feeling anxious and I wasn't able to participate in any of the lessons, but I was there, which is better than I managed last week.

I've been praying a lot about the upcoming change to my medication and I feel that it's a good move.  I don't know if the next drug will be what I stick with for the long haul, but it will at least mark the beginning of my investigation.  I know that if it's a struggle for me to just function on a day that I don't have work, there's something majorly wrong.  Still, at least I left the house and made it to church; that alone make this weekend a win.

Experimenting

I talked to my neurologist yesterday.  I explained to her what I've been going through and how I wasn't sure if the levetiracetam that I've been taking for over the last two years was affecting me negatively.  She listen to me and offered an alternative anti-convulsant that is also sometimes used to treat depression.  I'm a little wary of taking an antidepressant with my normal medication, but one medication that works as both?  That doesn't sound so bad.

Now, just because my doctor approved the medication and her office called in a prescription for me, it's not an easy change to make.  First off, the new medication does pose the risk of liver damage, so before I can begin, I have get some blood work done (along with every six months thereafter to monitor my vitals, particularly my liver).  When the results deem me healthy enough, I can slowly make the transition -- in addition to drowsiness and increased anxiety and depression, levetiracetam also has this side effect (from the primary manufacturer's website): "Stopping a seizure medication all at once can cause seizures that will not stop, a very serious problem."  While I think that calling "seizures that will not stop" a "very serious problem" is putting things a bit mildly, it's also misleading: while many anti-convulsants have this effect, not every one does.

Now I'm just waiting for the paperwork so I can go to the lab for the blood work.  Once I'm cleared, I'll begin the transition, which will take two weeks.  While I am optimistic, I also need to watch for any other potential problems.  Even if my depression eases up when I switch, there may be other changes to my mood or behavior.  But nothing will change unless I try something different, so here's hoping this new medication works better.

Imbalance

I saw a new neurologist on Thursday.  This was the first time I'd seen a brain doctor since I was first diagnosed with epilepsy back in December of 2013, so it was nice to get a second opinion.  My doctor said that based on my history, that my current medication (levetiracetam) appears to be working well and that as long as I don't miss a dose, everything should be fine.

Since the meeting, however, I've been thinking more and more about the side effects of my medication.  The most common one is drowsiness and/or sleeplessness, which I definitely deal with, though I don't know how much of that is due to the meds -- I have a sleep study scheduled for a week from today, so maybe with the right kind of CPAP machine, I'll be fine.

The next most common side effects are increased levels of anxiety and/or depression.  This is the one that has me the most concerned.  Right after I started taking levetiracetam (or Keppra, if you want to use the brand name), I went through the worst depression of my life.  The problem, however, is that the circumstances of my life were pretty depressing: I had just been diagnosed with epilepsy, I had lost my job, and my estranged wife refused to communicate with me when I turned to her for emotional support.  It was a tough time in my life.  Since then, I've gotten a much stronger grip on my life and my emotions.

But I still struggle with anxiety and depression on a regular basis.  I even picked up a new hobby as a way to combat these negative feelings (which has helped quite a bit).  Even so, I was unable to find the motivation to leave my apartment on Saturday and when I went to bed, I had a panic attack for a couple of hours.  This resulted in me sleeping through my alarm and missing church the next day.  I wasn't scheduled to teach, so at least I wasn't shirking any responsibility, beyond that of keeping my basic covenants.

Since I couldn't sleep anyway, I looked up how often people deal with these sorts of side effects and I found the answer: around 0.8% of users.  Less than one percent of people using levetiracetam feel anything other than fine.  And even if I'm one of the unlucky few that got more than he bargained for, other anti-convulsants have their own risks (many of which include possible liver damage).  One big problem is that I don't know if the meds are exacerbating a problem that already exists or if I'm just not handling my brain chemistry properly.

The first step is to follow up with my neurologist.  I have an appointment to see her again in July, but I'll send her an email later today (I'd have done it already, but I left her business card in my desk at work).  Maybe she has a go-to medication that can take the edge off the side effects.  Maybe she'll ask me to see a psychiatrist, which I may want to do anyway.  Maybe she'll ask for more test to be conducted.  All I know is that I've been dealing with these problems for a while now and I just want my life back.

Finding a New Routine

I joined a new gym today.  It's not the nicest gym that I looked at, but it has what I need and it's close to my apartment which will make it harder to excuse myself from going.  Plus, after I used a one-day free pass to try it out, I said a quick prayer and received confirmation that this was my new gym.

Too bad it has a dumb name: Spunk Fitness.  That said, if my biggest complaint is that the name of the place is stupid, I'm doing pretty well.  Plus, by going to a gym rather than working out at home, I can push myself harder with professional-grade equipment.

The biggest benefit, of course, is that I'm already starting to feel my mood level out.  Not working out has made it easy for my anxiety and depression to return, which has made it hard to function.  With my new gym membership, I can regain control of that aspect of my life.

But seriously, Spunk?  What is this, the 1940s?

Professional Review

About a month ago I found out about an upcoming change to Danfoss' policy for managers to review their subordinates annually.  This was especially a shock for me since I never knew about the original policy.  Apparently, my last boss never set up my goals with me, despite this being one of her specific responsibilities.  Instead, some time after she left and my new boss, Magda, started, the head of marketing in Denmark assigned some, I assume, arbitrary goals for me.

When I discovered that I was supposed to have goals assigned, I freaked out a little.  I talked to Ernie, a manager with whom I've collaborated on multiple projects, and he offered to help me out.  He gave me some documents to fill out and agreed to talk to Magda to help with the review process.  After a trip to the Temple where it was confirmed that I should team up with Ernie, I started to relax.

Then I went on vacation.  I still haven't completely gotten back into my normal routine yet, and I've only worked out once in the past three weeks.  As I've written about before, exercise is a way for me to control my anxiety.  The combination of not using one of my prime coping mechanisms and the fear about the future of my job meant that I've been really stressed out for the past couple of weeks: I've had a couple of panic attacks and I even had the same nightmare on two different occasions, something that I don't think has ever happened before.

Yesterday was my annual review.

I had prepared the documents that both Magda and Ernie had sent me and I felt ready, but I was still nervous.  I said a prayer that things would go well; I felt assured that it would be fine, but I couldn't calm down.  In the meeting, Magda had several questions about not only I had completed this last year, but what I had been expected to do.  Thankfully, Ernie really talked up my accomplishments and expressed his appreciation for the work I had done.  Magda kept saying that I had "exceeded expectations" while she was writing notes to herself.  Apparently, I had nothing to worry about!  And, to make sure we don't have this problem next year, Magda is planning to meet with me next month to discuss my short- and long-term goals and how we can make them work for Danfoss.  I guess that means I'll need to figure out some goals beyond "do a good job."

Looking back, I was never in danger of losing my job, but I was still nervous because I was ill-prepared, something that I do my best to avoid with regards to my job.  I'm glad that this review is behind me and all signs point to it having gone well.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go exercise.

Clear Sign of Improvement

Remember last year when I had a panic attack at church that was triggered by rowdy children?  That was certainly a low point for me, but it's a good reference point for what happened yesterday.

Stake Conference was held this weekend.  Anticipating all of the people that would be there Sunday morning, I arrived twenty minutes early so as to get a good seat.  I hadn't taken into account all of the people saving seats in the pews, so I was relegated to the overflow, though I was still near the front.  Once the meeting began, the family in front of me started having trouble with their young child.  I did think a few times that either the mother or father needed to take the kid to one of the two "crying rooms" that had be designated, but I was only ever mildly annoyed, never anxious.  Plus, there was someone sitting behind me that kept bumping my seat.  I shot a half-glance behind a couple of times, but I never said anything or even made eye contact with the seat-bumper.  I just sat there, listening to the talks.

While the experience wasn't as enjoyable as it could have been, I'm glad to recognize that I'm now much more in control of my emotional state than I was eighteen months ago.  "Not breaking down into a panicking mess" may not be the biggest victory, but it's one of which I'm proud.

Of Pies and Panic Attacks

You may be wondering why today’s post is so late.  I normally like to have my post written the night before so they can go live automatically the next morning.  However, last night didn’t go according to plan.

I had decided that I wanted to make some miniature pumpkin pies to take into the office, so I made some pie crust and put it in the fridge to chill.  A little later, I mixed together the pie filling and preheated the oven just in time for me to take the chilled crust out and cut it into the right shape.  When I tried to work with it, it completely fell apart.  Then, after being out of the fridge for just a few minutes, it became a gross, gooey mess.

I had forgotten that pie crust is something that has to be felt out.  You mix together the ingredients, but you also need to handle the dough to make sure it has the right texture.  Since I skipped that step, the dough was unusable, but I was able to save it by kneading in some flour and letting it chill again.  With the dough properly prepared this time, I was able to complete the pies.

What I have yet to mention is that when the dough was wrong, I started having a panic attack.  Not a major one, but I was really out of sorts for a bit.  Thankfully, my older sister, Margot, called and her chat helped me calm down.\

So, my apologies about the lateness in my post, I just had too much to deal with last night.

What I Miss

I was thinking recently about what I miss most about being in a relationship.  These are the main things I came up with:

• I miss having someone to be cuddle up next to on lazy Saturday afternoons after the errands have been run and the chores have been finished.
• I miss having someone I can cook meals for, especially a big Saturday night dinner.
• I miss having someone to watch stupid TV shows with and laugh at how stupid they are (it's no fun by yourself).
• I miss having someone I want to shave my face for on the weekend, so I'm not halfway to a beard by the time I shave for church on Sunday.
• I miss having someone to just hang out with and talk to all the time.

Did you notice a pattern?  Yeah, Saturdays are still tough.  This past Saturday was really depressing because I didn't have any significant human interactions (interacting with a cashier doesn't count as significant).  While the ultimate goal is to have a wife and family to be around, even just having a girlfriend -- or a girl I'm dating but we haven't committed to be a couple -- still would give me someone that I can see and talk to and keep Saturdays from being a bad thing.  I can also hang out with friends and family, but it's hard to ask someone if I can hang out with them because I'm afraid I'm going to be sad if I don't.

We're still a couple of months away from my divorce being finalized, but once it's all done, I hope it doesn't take me long to be able enjoy Saturdays again on a regular basis.

Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

I want you to do something for me.  Find a dollar bill, the denomination is unimportant.  Got it?  Okay, look at it with the portrait facing up.  Now, fold the bill in half so that the long edge is shortened.  Do that same fold again, so that the bill is its normal height but only a quarter its length.  Now look at the folded bill and imagine a brown wolf spider about that size, only the legs half off of the edges.  That's what I found in my apartment Monday morning.

[Pause for screaming and/or skin-crawling to subside]

I got up earlier than usual on Monday so I could go into the office and teleconference with the other technical writers in Denmark.  However, I was also expecting maintenance to come by to repair a busted closet, so I decided to tidy up a bit.  I'd kept my room mostly in order, but I had some jeans on the floor that I needed to fold and put in the dresser.  I picked up the jeans and saw the wolf spider on the floor.  I immediately dropped the clothes and shook my arms and legs -- not because I wanted to make sure I didn't have a spider on me, but because I had an extreme case of the willies.

I said a quick prayer and decided to suck it up with the hose of the vacuum.  Once the vacuum was set up, I attached the wand so I didn't have to get any closer than necessary.  I tried to suck the spider up, but it walked away a little, apparently only annoyed.  I was already feeling anxious, but after a failed attempt at eliminating my foe, my anxiety turned into panic.  The problem with finding arachnids on carpet is that it's really hard to smash them.  When I was in Oklahoma, Allison and I found two live scorpions in our apartment, both on the carpet.  I smashed the first with a hardcover textbook, but it took six or seven really hard whacks to kill it.  Allison sucked up the other one with the vacuum, which is probably why I thought to use that tactic again.  (In case you're wondering, I'll take scorpions over spiders any day.)

I said another prayer, this one while stuttering, and felt prompted to use the vacuum again, but this time I used the spinning brush.  The spider hadn't moved since the last attempt, but I was still freaking out.  I psyched myself up and quickly ran it over with the vacuum.  Well, I tried to run it over.  What ended up happening was I shoved the spider against the baseboard and smashed it.  Not what I was going for, but I'll take it.  However, the spider still wasn't dead!  I had busted it up pretty bad, but it was still trying to hobble away.  I switched back to the hose (and wand!) and sucked up the half-dead spider.  With the spider finally dispatched, I relaxed and let out a quick scream.

This was not the first spider I've found in my new apartment, but it is the first one that didn't spin a web.  Spiders with webs, while I don't like them, are pretty harmless.  And yes, I know that the only poisonous spider in Maryland, the black widow, spins a web.  I'm not talking about physically harmless but psychologically harmless.  If the spider is a spinner, it's going to hang out in the corner and leave me alone.  Wolf spiders don't spin and can get ridiculously big.  That makes it tough for a man who, for the most part, has conquered his arachnophobia.  I've called the apartment manager about the problem to see if we can figure something out because three-inch (plus!) long wolf spiders are not acceptable.

A Small Change

Hello, dear reader.  You may have noticed that you had to login in order to access the blog.  Unfortunately, I have to protect myself.

You see, divorce is a complicated mess of fighting and paranoia.  I don't think there's anything on this blog that can be used against me, but just in case, I'm making it private for now, as a precaution.

This blog is important to me and it's important to many of you, so I don't want to take it down, even temporarily, but I also don't want my words used against me.  So, here we are, requiring a login just to read about what weird song I like or what recipe I made.  Hopefully, this lockdown will only last a few weeks.

Tuesdays with Media: The Public Life of Celebrities

Before I begin, watch this clip from an interview with Robert Downey, Jr.:

That's a shortened clip from the full interview that Downey did to promote Avengers: Age of Ultron.  The interviewer, having asked all the questions he had about the film, asked the actor if he would mind answering some personal questions.  Downey lookeds a little weary, probably because he'd been giving interviews for hours and just wanted to be done already, but he smiled and agreed to the more personal stuff.  The interviewer brought up Downey's dark past (he struggled with addiction) and you see Downey's whole countenance change: he starts breathing heavily and his eyes are filled with a mixture of pain and anger.  Despite the interviewer being a completely insensitive jerk, Downey simply got up and ends the interview, not once saying a mean word.

I bring this up because celebrities have troubles that the rest of us don't face.  Everyone has things in their past that they aren't proud of, but we don't have people bringing them up to us well after we've overcome those troubles.  I'm not proud of the fact that it took me eight years to get my four-year degree, that I've struggled with depression, that I'm getting divorced, or that I had a rough start to my career as a technical writer, but I don't have to talk about those things to complete strangers.

Now don't get me wrong, celebrities have a lot of perks that come from living in the public eye (lots of celebrities get paid more than I make in a year just to attend parties) and that often makes up for having to deal with the less desirable stuff.  But the fact that you can't completely move on must wear down on a person.

I recently gave a lesson in the Teacher's Quorum about repentance and the fact that we can move beyond our faults through the atonement is a fundamental principle of the gospel.  I am not suggesting that by being in the public eye, celebrities can't take advantage of the atonement, just that constantly (or even occasionally) being reminded of your past mistakes must be hard.

I don't know what kind of person Robert Downey, Jr. is, but he showed great personal strength by not cussing out the interviewer.  Sure, he may have only held back because there were cameras rolling, but his behavior was still commendable.  I think this particular event stood out to me because I could empathize with him.  Not the cameras and all of that, but feeling anxious while talking to someone and wanting to be anywhere else.  Most of us don't have the luxury of being able to walk away from someone that's offending us, but most of us aren't having our personal demons shoved in our faces either.  So while there are enviable aspects of being rich and famous, it comes with some pretty substantial negatives, too, and I wouldn't wish that lifestyle on anyone.

Gaining More Than Losing

On Wednesday night, I was asked to participate the following night in what my ward calls "shepherding."  It mostly consists of visiting less active members and letting them know that we miss them, but we have the advantage of having the appointments made for us ahead of time.

When I was asked, I hesitated.  I've been under a lot of stress with the divorce and working out has been an important relief that I've come to rely upon and Thursday was a day I had scheduled for gym time.  After some ruminating, I reluctantly agreed, with the caveat that I might be late since I'd need to make it home in time to eat dinner and then make it to the church.

At work yesterday, there was a luncheon meeting, with lunch provided.  I was not part of this meeting, so I ate my regular lunch, but there were leftovers that were up for grabs.  That meant that I didn't have to worry about dinner, which certainly made things easier.

Once I got to church, I was teamed up with one of the full-time missionaries.  I had had a tiring day at work, so I wasn't in the best of moods to go out with some bright-eyed kid.  Surprisingly, it was exactly what I needed.  He asked a lot of questions about me, which gave me a chance to let off some steam, and neither of the appointments we had answered their doors, so I didn't have to awkwardly introduce myself to someone that wasn't really interested in meeting me.

While I still take my gym time seriously as an important way to manage my stress, I don't mind that I gave up one day to serve the Lord and His children.

Divorce: The Good Times

I wanted to have one post dedicated to the all of the positive things that happened in my life because of Allison, so here goes:

• I've never laughed as much with anyone else in my entire life.  Allison could have a great sense of humor at times and we loved to laugh together.
• I had my first major breakdown while I was dating Allison.  I started having very strong panic-attacks and I stopped going to all of my classes, which I ended up failing.  She helped me to calm down and get back to school.
• Speaking of school, I am confident that I would not have finished my degree without her support.
• Did you know that she helped me develop a sense of style?  I never really knew what kinds of clothes to wear, but she helped to steer me in the direction that led to what I still wear today.  I was careful to put that she "helped me" rather than she "told me" because she didn't dictate to me what I should wear, she just refined the style that I had but was buried under indecision and a lack of focus and having a defined style is great for one's self-esteem.
• She taught me the value of good gift-giving.  Allison is amazing at giving gifts and despite how things may appear, some of that rubbed off on me.
• I got to have several iterations of beards and mustaches with her.  Very few women actually like facial hair on men, so I appreciate that she liked it when I experimented with mine.
• I really learned to listen to the Spirit because of her.  I realize that this one is more "in spite of her" but the strongest and clearest revelations I have ever received in my life were in response to prayers concerning her, including if I should marry her.
• I learned how to really work.  Once I was supporting a wife, putting my all into my job really became a priority.  Before that, "doing enough" was my general outlook.
• I learned to manage money.  During part of the time that we were dating, I went really far into my overdraft simply because I didn't want to check my account balance because it gave me anxiety.  That's really stupid, but Allison taught me that financial management doesn't have to be stressful.
• I learned how to love another person and how I want to be loved by them.

Divorce is hard enough so I wanted to take some time to focus on the positive things that happened in my failed marriage.  I'm glad that I did so that I can look back and see that even though it ended in divorce, this marriage was still worthwhile.

Friends Indeed

After such a stressful week, I said a prayer as I drove home on Friday.  I started to have a pretty severe panic attack - thinking about how I lost my source of income due to my conscience when I still have plenty of bills was too much to handle.  It was so bad, that I lost the ability to speak, even in prayer.  I got the idea that I needed a priesthood blessing and I thought about the Simciks whose house was on the way home.  I decided to follow the prompting and went to their home.

When I got there, Lori answered the door (I haven't mentioned before, but Mark and Lori are in their mid-fifties and I think of them as a sort of aunt and uncle to me).  In a stuttering voice, I asked if Mark was home.  She said he wasn't but asked if there was anything she could help me with.  I tried to explain what had happened, but I couldn't make any sense.  I was stuttering so bad and pausing so long, it was like I wasn't even talking.  It became too much for me and I broke down crying.  Lori asked me to have a seat and she got a box of tissues for me.  The act of crying was somewhat cathartic and I was able to start talking again.  I explained what had happened and why it was so hard for me to deal with.  Lori was very kind and just talked with me for a while as I calmed down.  She also shared about a difficult time in her life that seemed to be too much at the time, but also helped her become stronger.  It really helped to have some empathy from someone that could relate to going through hard times.

We ended up just talking for a while.  Feeling much better, I was about to excuse myself to go (I was going to see if I could stop by my home teacher's house to get a blessing) when Mark called to say he was on his way home.  Lori briefly told him that I had stopped by to see if I could get a priesthood blessing and that I was still there.  Mark asked that I stayed until he got there and he'd be happy to fulfill my request.  Mark provided the blessing once he got home, which was exactly what I needed.  I still don't know what I'm going to do about all of my bills, but I was promised that it would work out.  Then they asked me to join them for dinner and we went to a Korean restaurant.

More than anything else about this situation, I'm happy to know that I have people in my life that I consider friends that are available when I need to talk.  It's kind of weird because they're old enough to be my parents (though I'm still older than their oldest child), but it's clear that we're close friends.  Just knowing that I have some friends to turn to is worth losing a job over.

Wasted Time

My plan to make it to the temple on Saturday failed again, this time because I had a panic attack that lasted for over two hours.

On Friday, I felt pretty good: work had gone well that week (both in terms of productivity and in terms of positive feedback from my superiors), Samuel had gotten his work visa and had applied for a Social Security Number, and it was payday.  Even my parents commented that I sounded like I was in much better spirits when I spoke with them.  I was feeling good and had a plan in place to keep it that by attending the temple.

Then Saturday happened.  Really it started on Friday with a frozen pizza that I shared with Samuel as congratulations for getting his visa - I don't know why, but frozen pizza seems to trigger anxiety within me.  On Saturday, I got up later than I had planned, which meant that my blood-sugar was low (due to a late breakfast) and I had to eat before I could think clearly.  Instead of eating and immediately getting in the shower, I sat and did some reading.  I continued reading for a couple of hours and before I knew it, it was lunchtime (remember, breakfast was late, so lunch came faster than usual).  After I ate, I was determined to hop in the shower and head to DC.  However, because it was now so late in the day - around two o'clock - I felt anxious about having wasted so much time.  As I stood up to go shower, I started shaking (think of it as a full-body stutter).  I went to my room to shake it out, hoping to be over it soon.  I stayed in my room for a little over two hours.  Now, I wasn't shaking the whole time: I fell asleep a couple of times, but every time I woke up and I tried to get up, the shakes began again.  By the time I came out of my room, it was nearly five o'clock and I had run out of time.  Samuel came home from spending time with the full-time missionaries and needed a ride to a job he does on Saturdays for a member of the ward.

I know what I did wrong this time.  In addition to the previously mentioned bad meal choice for Friday's dinner, I allowed myself to sleep too late on Saturday morning.  I am not a natural morning person, so I often look forward to the weekend as a chance to sleep late.  And while sleeping a little later is appropriate, I over did it and put up an obstacle in my own path.  Also, I didn't immediately shower after eating breakfast.  Showering, for whatever reason, represents productivity to me.  When it's delayed, my anxiety/depression has a chance to take hold.  I was able to force myself to shower on Sunday and I started feeling better almost immediately.

While this weekend was a wasted opportunity, I've discovered what mistakes I made so that I can avoid them in the future, which is some progress.  Also, my lousy weekend doesn't change the fact that I still had a pretty good week.  Let's see if I can do it again and make the progress last beyond five days.