Approved

I know that I just wrote about Samuel for the last post, but he has some really big news: his work visa has been approved!  When he told me yesterday evening after I got home from work, he was beside himself with excitement, as well he should be.  I gave him a high-five in celebration (which I suspect was his first high-five ever).

Now, the waiting isn't over yet.  He still has to wait another three weeks before he actually has his visa and then he has use that to get a Social Security number, but the approval has been issued.

I am very happy to see him progress forward in being able to support himself.  With his work ethic, I'm sure he'll be working multiple jobs as soon as he is able.

Living Happily

On Saturday, I took Samuel to the Bishop's storehouse to collect his allotment for the current fortnight.  On the way, he brought up how happy he was to be a member of the Church.  He wasn't talking about how he was receiving assistance for his physical needs (though that is certainly the case); rather, he was talking about how friendly everyone has been and how he has learned so much about the gospel since moving to the area.

Now remember, Samuel has no job, is not currently allowed to work, and has been separated from his family for over three years.  Yet, he described himself as happy.  It reminded me of Nephi's words that I wrote about last year: "we lived after the manner of happiness."

Even during trying times, if we turn to the Lord and his gospel, we can find happiness.  It was good to be reminded of that from someone who is facing even greater challenges than me.

Status Update: Lonely

I talked with my doctor about the possibility that I have depression.  After going over my family history and recent personal experiences, he agreed that I probably was facing something more than just sadness.  He also pointed out that because I haven't missed work due to this condition, it's still somewhat manageable.  When we got to the subject of medication, he said that while we could start me off on something small, he recommended that I take some time to see what my other options are and then meet him again in a month to reassess the situation.  I liked that idea, so I made the appointment and went home.

This is what I've come up with: I need some friends.  Let me be more specific: I need friends that I can hang out with pretty regularly.  I need to hang out.  I have a few friends from church that I get along with really well, but they all have kids.  That's not a bad thing but it means that they're always busy with their families, as they should be.  And before anyone asks, Samuel's fine, but we have so little in common due to us coming from different cultures; he's a good guy but it's not super relaxing hanging out with him, you know?  And while I do keep in touch with various friends and families via phone calls, I need some face-to-face interactions.  I do get those at work and church, but I need some purely social exchanges.

Here's a problem, though: where do I meet people?  Do I join a running enthusiast's club and is that even a thing?  Do I try LARPing?  Do I finally sign-up on the Facebook?  I'm really not sure where a man in his early thirties goes to meet people to hang out with.   I know that I tend to do better in structured environments, which is why I was thinking of activity-based groups.  I also thought about crashing Single Adult activities that the Stake puts on but that kind of feels like cheating, me showing up wearing a wedding band.

Please, dear reader, leave a comment with your suggestions on where I should look to find people who are about my age with whom I may share similar interests.

Weekend of Failure

So that trip to the Temple that I was planning to make on Saturday?  Didn't happen.  I woke up on Saturday and discovered that I had a tremendous headache and I was really dizzy.  It was so bad that I had trouble standing without falling over.  I'm sure to any outside observer that it looked like I was on a boat or something.  Because of this, I didn't go to the temple and mostly tried to nap.

On Sunday, I felt much better.  I was looking forward to Church after missing it last week and not making it to the temple the day before.  However, after I had gotten out of the shower and was finishing getting ready, I had an aphasia.  I had missed my medication the day before - I simply forgot - and apparently it made a big difference.  Once I could talk, I called the Sunday School President to explain what had happened and that I wouldn't be coming.  He was very understanding, but I hate that this has been happening off and on since I was called to be a teacher.

I realize that my body shutting down is out of my control, but I can't help but feel that the last two days were wasted.  Here's hoping that next weekend will go better.

Life Continues

Life still isn't easy, but I've had a few cathartic moments this week, which have helped.

As far as what's happening goes, I have a doctor's appointment for Tuesday.  I don't plan on accepting medication this soon, but I do want to see what my options are and see what meds I might take if it comes to that.

Also, and this is important, I plan on visiting the Temple tomorrow.  Hopefully that will make the path I should take more obvious.

Opposing Advice

After my post on Monday, I've heard from some people offering support for what I'm going through.  The two people that have been the most vocal have been my mother and my estranged wife, both offering advice from an experienced perspective and each taking a different stance.

My mom encouraged me to talk to my doctor and to see if I can get help.  She also pointed out that our family has a history of anxiety and depression, so I am predisposed to this condition.  She reminded me that if I am suffering from depression due to a chemical imbalance that getting treatment is a much better solution than seeking out destructive behavior as a means to "self-medicate."

Allison gave me a pep talk and told me to remember that the problems I face and the sadness I feel are all in my mind.  She told me to look to a power greater than myself to find strength (it reminded me a lot of Alma 37:47) and that while the path of medication is easier, it's not better.  She's concerned that if I start taking anti-depressants, that I won't be able to function unmedicated.  She admonished me to take things slow and to be careful about jumping into treatment.

Again, both of these women have struggled with depression in their own way and they are talking to me from a place of experience.  Also, they know me better than probably any other people on the face of the earth, so it's not just generalized advice.  And yet, they each are taking diametrically opposed positions on the subject.

For now, I'm kind of listening to both of them. I have scheduled a doctor's appointment for next week, but I want to talk to him about options before I run and go fill a prescription.  I appreciate the fact that I may be able to correct the potential chemical imbalance in my brain on my own, but I may also need some help.  For now, I need to gather information and ponder the matter prayerfully.

Black Days

Do you remember how I became depressed while I was unemployed?  And how I pulled myself together and almost immediately found a job?  Perhaps I didn't really get over things as well as I thought.

I think I might have depression.

I was house-sitting for the Larsen's this weekend while they went out of town.  While I was there, I quickly fell back into my old depressed habits: I ate like crap, I couldn't make myself leave the house for anything (even Church), I had trouble both falling asleep and waking up, and I only showered right before I left to come home.  I knew that this was terrible behavior, but I couldn't force myself to change anything.

It's a troubling thing to realize that you may not be able to control yourself.  I'm not really sure what to do.  I'll schedule an appointment with my doctor this week to talk about what may going on with me and I'll meet with my Bishop when he's next available, but beyond that, I don't know.  Most of today I've felt a very strong, non-specific sadness, like I'm on the verge of crying, but not about anything in particular - I also wonder how long I've been experiencing this feeling but didn't realize it.

I don't want to worry anyone - I am not a danger to myself or others - I just want to inform you of something that I'm still struggling to understand myself.  And, for the foreseeable future, the feature Tuesdays with Media will be on hiatus. I don't want to waste any mental energy on something so trivial.

Roommates Say the Darnedest Things

I came in from a run yesterday and Samuel, attempting to be friendly, asked me a question:

"You go for walkies?"

Perhaps we need to have a talk about idioms.

Invaders!

Do you remember how I had to regularly deal with water bugs when living in Oklahoma?  I never posted about it but it was a constant struggle because my landlady didn't think it was a big deal (even though having innocuous insects attracted scorpions on four separate occasions).  Thankfully, I haven't seen a single water bug since leaving the Sooner State.  Now I get to deal with stink bugs.

The thing about stink bugs is that they are clumsy, which is nice because it means that they announce themselves when they're nearby.  As long as I can kill them quickly, they don't have a chance to emit their stink - according to the Wikipedia page linked to earlier, the "stink" smells like coriander, which doesn't sound too bad to me.

Even if stink bugs to start showing up more and more, I still prefer them to water bugs or houseflies.  At least for now.

Tuesdays with Media: Forsythia

We've had a couple of downers for songs so far, so let's have one that's happier?  I think?

Since I listen to a lot of Beck, I'm used to nonsensical lyrics but I have pretty much no clue what Veruca Salt's songs are about most of the time, though sometimes I guess it's pretty clearer.  I think a lot of their songs are pretty fun, but I have to ignore the words because they can be a bit maddening.  "Forsythia" is a perfect example of that: "Spider monkey, a spider monkey is a good lie / But I don't know why"  Whaaa ... ?  While "Forsythia," off of the band's first album, American Thighs, was never released as a single, it's got a nice beat and a fun melody.  If the lyrics made any sense it would be a pretty great song, but as it is, it's only okay.

And if I'm being totally honest, Veruca Salt isn't a very good band.  Weird lyrics aside, they're just another mid-90s alternative rock band that owe much of their success to Nirvana paving the way for them.  That's not to say that they're completely untalented, just don't expect a lot of variety out of them.  That said, I still enjoy some of the band's better songs and it is nice to have a rock band that's 50% female (seriously, it's like them, Heart, and the White Stripes - I didn't count the Donnas since their 100% female).

So if you're craving some music that reeks of the 90s, you could certainly do worse than Veruca Salt.

American Thighs is distributed by Minty Fresh Records.