Illness Factors

I just got over being sick, but now I'm sick again.  I think my body's immune system is compromised due to a few factors:

Stress.  As I learned on Sunday (and posted about on Monday), you can't get divorced without some tears, so I think it's safe to say I'm experiencing higher-than-average levels of stress.  Additionally, I've recently been give more responsibility at work, which is a positive thing that I like, but it does mean my stress is higher.

Not enough sleep.  I've had insomnia since Allison and got separated.  It's hard for me to "power down" in an empty bed and I've caught myself reading much later than I should be, often after I've lied in bed for nearly an hour, unable to sleep.  I'm trying some new things in an attempt to fix that.

Not enough calories.  When I'm unemployed, I get fat.  In an attempt to rid myself of my kummerspeck, I've seriously cut back on what I eat.  It means that I'm often hungry, but I lost about fifteen pounds, so it worked.  That said, I may have overdone it.

Pushing myself too hard at the gym.  I was serious about trimming down, so on top of cutting back on what I ate, I ran.  A lot.  I have written about how I enjoy running in my neighborhood, but with so much snow of late, it was safer running indoors.  And running on a treadmill meant that I could control the speed I was running, so I devised a plan where I would sprint at 12 mph for thirty seconds and then jog at about half that speed for four minutes.  I would then run this circuit for an hour straight, sometimes pushing the sprinting time to a full minute.

One or two of these factors probably wouldn't have affected me too badly, but all four?  I'm lucky I can still make it to work.  I am making adjustments to my lifestyle to avoid making myself ill.

Unexpected Experience

Last week I was in charge of a Young Men's-hosted dinner.  Technical the Teachers were in charge, but I was offered a more direct role in the planning, so I took it.  Unfortunately, the dinner (which was not for the whole ward, just the senior members) was planned for Wednesday night, so I was at work and wasn't able to do any cooking.  Thankfully, I was able to get some parents to help out and all I had to do was buy and prep all the ingredients.  With everyone's help, it was all a huge success.

That's not what this post is about.

While I was in the kitchen getting everything ready (stirring, mixing, slicing, etc.), I experienced an aphasiatic episode.  The episode itself was mild enough, but what really worried me was this was the first time that I've had one while fully medicated.  In the past, as long as I took my meds -- even once-a-day instead of the prescribed twice -- I never had to worry about aphasia.

However, one episode could just be a fluke.  When I haven't been able to afford my medication, I was usually okay if I watched my blood-sugar and got enough sleep, though it was no guarantee.  Having reviewed everything in my mind, I was little sleep deprived and I hadn't had dinner when I arrived at the church, which may have pushed me over the edge even though I was medicated.  I guess I'll need to take the same precautions as when I don't have access to my meds, just with the view that being medicated is a bit of a bonus.

If this happens again when I'm medicated and my blood-sugar's fine and I'm well-rested, then I'll be concerned.

What Do You Do?

What do you do when you have a heated discussion with your estranged wife over the terms of your divorce that eventually breaks down into talking about all of the reasons your marriage has failed?  And what do you do when that conversation changes direction and you learn that despite all of your time apart, she still loves you?  And then what do you do when you realize for the first time that you didn't know if she still loved you after all this time?  And what do you do when you know that despite the fact that you still love her and she still loves you that you're not good for each other and that you should still get divorced?

You cry.  You cry hard and you cry bitterly.

Too Cold to Write

I know this is a cop-out, but the high lately has barely been in the double-digits.  I'll try to post something tomorrow, but I'm not promising anything.

Good Work

Recently at work, I was asked for an update on one of the assignments I'm working on by the project manager in charge.  I didn't have much to show, as I had been focusing my energies on another project, but I delivered what I had.  I'd noticed that this particular project manager tends to print things out and post them around his desk, so I printed the current draft, along with the previous draft, and delivered them both so as to make the changes more obvious.

I pointed out that most of what I had done had been to update the images and add a missing table, but otherwise, it was very similar to the earlier draft.  Even so, the project manager was impressed with the changes I had made and the initiative I'd taken in updating the images (since Danfoss is headquartered in Denmark, a lot of the measurements are given metric units first, with imperial units in parentheses; I simply reversed the order as they appear in the illustrations).  His response was simple but straight forward: "Good work, Jordan."

It may seem like a minor thing, but it feels so good to be getting positive feedback at work again.  What can I say?  I really like this job.

Divorce: The Good Times

I wanted to have one post dedicated to the all of the positive things that happened in my life because of Allison, so here goes:

• I've never laughed as much with anyone else in my entire life.  Allison could have a great sense of humor at times and we loved to laugh together.
• I had my first major breakdown while I was dating Allison.  I started having very strong panic-attacks and I stopped going to all of my classes, which I ended up failing.  She helped me to calm down and get back to school.
• Speaking of school, I am confident that I would not have finished my degree without her support.
• Did you know that she helped me develop a sense of style?  I never really knew what kinds of clothes to wear, but she helped to steer me in the direction that led to what I still wear today.  I was careful to put that she "helped me" rather than she "told me" because she didn't dictate to me what I should wear, she just refined the style that I had but was buried under indecision and a lack of focus and having a defined style is great for one's self-esteem.
• She taught me the value of good gift-giving.  Allison is amazing at giving gifts and despite how things may appear, some of that rubbed off on me.
• I got to have several iterations of beards and mustaches with her.  Very few women actually like facial hair on men, so I appreciate that she liked it when I experimented with mine.
• I really learned to listen to the Spirit because of her.  I realize that this one is more "in spite of her" but the strongest and clearest revelations I have ever received in my life were in response to prayers concerning her, including if I should marry her.
• I learned how to really work.  Once I was supporting a wife, putting my all into my job really became a priority.  Before that, "doing enough" was my general outlook.
• I learned to manage money.  During part of the time that we were dating, I went really far into my overdraft simply because I didn't want to check my account balance because it gave me anxiety.  That's really stupid, but Allison taught me that financial management doesn't have to be stressful.
• I learned how to love another person and how I want to be loved by them.

Divorce is hard enough so I wanted to take some time to focus on the positive things that happened in my failed marriage.  I'm glad that I did so that I can look back and see that even though it ended in divorce, this marriage was still worthwhile.

Divorce [UPDATE]

UPDATE:
Because Allison and I have only just started the process of getting divorced, I will hold off on posting this week's essays until everything has been finalized.  I doubt any of my words could be used against me, but it's better to play it safe.

ORIGINAL POST:
All of my regular readers should now know that Allison and I have decided to get divorced.  It wasn't easy for me to accept, but I know it needs to happen.

Allison and I have been together for about nine-and-a-half years with four years of dating, two-and-a-half years of marriage, and three years of separation. That means that I've spent nearly a third of my life with her attached to me in some way, though the last third of that time was spent with us separated.

One thing that I want to make clear is that I do not regret my relationship with Allison.  Things weren't always easy with her, but they never are in love.  I'm sad that things couldn't work out, but I do not feel that my time with her was wasted.

Since we only just decided to get divorced last week, we haven't moved forward to file yet, though that will happen very soon.  I will do my best to make the split as amicable and pain-free as possible -- there will probably be posts with updates of our progress.

So, the rest of this week will be dedicated to some essays regarding my marriage and divorce.  And since I missed two days last week since I was reeling from the decision, I'll be posting all five weekdays.  They will mostly be contemplative, but I'm sure some emotion will find its way in.

Tears of Joy

Samuel's family are working on their paperwork so that they can come to the US.

The ward members donated to raise the necessary funds so that he can be reunited with his family.  I went with him to meet with the Elder's Quorum President today so that he could have the total amount told to him.  When he realized that he is mere weeks away from seeing his family after a long three years, he started crying for joy.

While this is a great blessing for him and his family, this is also a blessing for members that donated money.  It gave them a chance to do some service that would positively change the lives of four people.

Not only that, but one of the members that was involved with me in the administration of the fundraiser told me how it was good to see how quickly everyone gave to make this happen.  They further explained that they had been disappointed by the ward during a past service project, so this helped restore their faith in the people that we see at church every week.

This does mean that I will be losing my roommate soon, but it's probably about time anyway.  Besides, he deserves to have his wife and children as roommates again, and I'll gladly losing some help in rent to help him get that.

Congratulations to everyone involved!

Side Effects

Due to a mix-up at work, I didn't sign up for my benefits when I was supposed to.  Luckily, I have a very patient HR director that was willing to help get everything worked out.

I bring this up because I only got my prescription card this week.  Since I had to wait for my card, I wasn't up-to-date on my anti-seizure medication.  I hadn't been on it since a little before Christmas, but as long as I monitored my blood-sugar level, I was fine.

At least I was until last week.  While at the gym on Saturday, I had a minor aphasia.  I was on the treadmill at the time and it wasn't severe enough to make me get off, but I did have to slow down.  I figured it was just my blood-sugar being low from the exertion.  Then I had another one at my desk on Monday.  It was still a little one, but it started making me nervous.

I'd had had two more tiny ones on Tuesday by the time I made it home to find my prescription card in the mailbox.  I immediately went to the pharmacy to get my medication.  I haven't had another aphasia since I got my prescription.

What I have had, however, is noticeable fatigue.  One of the side effect I experience during the first week or two of getting back on my meds is feeling tired.  It's not exactly drowsiness or sleepiness (though it is much harder getting up in the morning), it's just generally feeling run down.  The last time I went through this when I first got on my meds a little over a year ago, I got over it in a couple of weeks, so I'm expecting the same thing to happen this time.

It's annoying, but at least it's temporary.

Light Problems

As I was driving home yesterday evening, I noticed that the driver's side headlight was out.  I only just bought this car and I'm already dealing with issues related to it's various parts breaking down.  This time, however, I could fix it myself.

Probably.  I don't remember replacing a headlamp bulb before, but how hard could it be?

Since there's a Pep Boys that I pass on my way home, I stopped by to get a replacement bulb.  The kid that helped me find the right kind of bulb for my car tried upselling a companion product with it, but he didn't do a very good job -- I don't mean that he failed because I felt that I could get by with just the bulb; I mean he failed because I felt that I was better off with just the bulb.

Once outside, I popped the hood and started feeling around.  With out too much trouble, I figured out how to remove the burnt out bulb, though I did scrap too close to something and gave myself a very shallow, very minor scratch.  Getting the new bulb in took some finessing, but I eventually figured it out.  Before I dropped the hood, I tested to make sure it work (it did!), and was on my way home.

Once I made it to my apartment, I wondered if I had remembered to replace the cover to the bulb housing.  It would probably be fine without it, but it may not stand up against the elements as well.  I popped the hood again to investigate and sure enough, the cap was sitting on top of the battery.  Thankfully I still had it, so I returned the cover to it's home and went inside.

It may seem like a minor thing, but it helped me feel a connection to my car by doing some basic maintenance.  I see a bright future ahead with this car ...

Video Game Night

In my calling as Teacher's Quorum Adviser, I'm expected to oversee one camp out a month.  One exception is the one for January, which happened this last Friday.  As you can guess from this post's title, we got together to play video games.

Three boys each brought a gaming system with a few different games (nothing above a T rating) and hooked them up to TVs from the church library.  Once everything was ready to go, there were plenty of options to choose from and people were constantly changing from one station to another, ensuring plenty of vareity.

I was even asked to play on a few games.  Since most of my experience is with an original Nintendo, N-64, or Wii, I was terrible at the first-person shooter that required using one joystick to move and another to aim.  I failed miserably over several rounds before I excused myself.  I was later invited to join in on Mario Kart for the Wii U, which I did much better on.  It was nice to be included and I could tell that this was an important way to connect to some of the young men that I'm in charge of supervising.

I was a bit frustrated that one boy only ever played on his Gameboy.  He was constantly talking to a few other boys about the progress he was making in the game he was playing, but he wasn't playing any multiplayer games, which was the whole point of the activity.

While this was an odd camp out, I'm glad that I got to start with an easy one, especially since there's still snow on the ground (I'm not looking forward to February).