Ten Years Ago

I was thinking today that things are very different for me than they were in 2006.  That was the year that I first experienced being let go.

Prior to that year, I had only ever quit my jobs, giving proper notice each time.  But I decided that I was ready for something new, so I took a job in construction.  I had never done anything like it before and it showed.  Three-and-a-half weeks in, I was let go (the reason I was given was that, despite my learning the job at a fast pace, there was just too much work to do, so someone with a couple of decades in the field was being hired as my replacement).  I hated working construction, so I was happy to have a reason to not do it any more, but it felt weird suddenly not having a job.  I remember feeling like I would find something new right away, but I was still worried that I wouldn't.

Two-and-a-half months later, I finally started my next job, this time in a printing house.  It was a decent job with nice perks, but the tight schedule meant that I couldn't continue taking classes at the community college I had been attending.  So, after another five months, I gave my two week notice without having my next job lined up.  This was different than before, not just because I was the one who terminated my employment, but because I had prayed about it and felt that I would be okay.  Sure enough, I found something in time so that I was able to start the new job without any down time.  That new job was with BNi, a company I worked for under different capacities for three years, still the longest stint I've had at one location.

While 2006 was my first experience with being let go, it would sadly not be my last -- I was even straight-up fired a couple of times.  Still, looking back, I learned a lot and I can certainly say that I'm in a better place than I was a decade ago.

Safety and Discomfort

I've been contacted by multiple family members, checking on me because of the riots that are happening in Baltimore right now.  To those that haven't asked but want to know: I am safe.  I don't live near, work near, or commute through any of the areas that are affected.

In fact, I was so oblivious to what was happening in the city that I decided to enjoy the sunshine on Monday by going for a run.  I've been staying fit by running on a treadmill at the gym during the winter, but there's just something special about running outside.  Once I started, I enjoyed it so much that when I finished my normal loop, I ran it again.  That's right, I ran 7.5 miles on little more than a whim (and I did it 67 minutes).

However.

The next morning I woke up with my left knee in pain.  I put on a knee brace and tried to stay off it, but it felt like I had twisted it pretty hard.  The fact that it's my left knee seems important.  About twelve years ago, when I was on my mission, I was hit by a bus while I was crossing the street.  Being a missionary, I was divinely protected and the only injury I sustained was my left knee was badly bruised.  So, I experienced a miracle and walked away from something that could have crippled me for life.  In fact, it's taken a dozen years for me to experience any negative side effects.  Not a bad deal.

Where does that leave me now?  My knee feels a lot better than it did yesterday and I plan on wearing the knee brace on my next run.  If that doesn't help, I'll see my doctor to discuss my options.  I'll stop running if I have to, but I want to know what other options I have.  For now, I'll just try to take it easy.

Divorce: The Good Times

I wanted to have one post dedicated to the all of the positive things that happened in my life because of Allison, so here goes:

• I've never laughed as much with anyone else in my entire life.  Allison could have a great sense of humor at times and we loved to laugh together.
• I had my first major breakdown while I was dating Allison.  I started having very strong panic-attacks and I stopped going to all of my classes, which I ended up failing.  She helped me to calm down and get back to school.
• Speaking of school, I am confident that I would not have finished my degree without her support.
• Did you know that she helped me develop a sense of style?  I never really knew what kinds of clothes to wear, but she helped to steer me in the direction that led to what I still wear today.  I was careful to put that she "helped me" rather than she "told me" because she didn't dictate to me what I should wear, she just refined the style that I had but was buried under indecision and a lack of focus and having a defined style is great for one's self-esteem.
• She taught me the value of good gift-giving.  Allison is amazing at giving gifts and despite how things may appear, some of that rubbed off on me.
• I got to have several iterations of beards and mustaches with her.  Very few women actually like facial hair on men, so I appreciate that she liked it when I experimented with mine.
• I really learned to listen to the Spirit because of her.  I realize that this one is more "in spite of her" but the strongest and clearest revelations I have ever received in my life were in response to prayers concerning her, including if I should marry her.
• I learned how to really work.  Once I was supporting a wife, putting my all into my job really became a priority.  Before that, "doing enough" was my general outlook.
• I learned to manage money.  During part of the time that we were dating, I went really far into my overdraft simply because I didn't want to check my account balance because it gave me anxiety.  That's really stupid, but Allison taught me that financial management doesn't have to be stressful.
• I learned how to love another person and how I want to be loved by them.

Divorce is hard enough so I wanted to take some time to focus on the positive things that happened in my failed marriage.  I'm glad that I did so that I can look back and see that even though it ended in divorce, this marriage was still worthwhile.

Beautiful Words

Pardon me while I indulge myself on a favorite topic of mine.

I was thinking recently about how amazing it is that we have written language.  With written language, not only do we have a way to communicate with someone who isn't right in front of us, we also can lock words into place.  Our memories are unreliable and it is easy to, not only forget things, but to remember things that didn't happen.  For example, I remember seeing the traffic crosswalk sign show the symbol for "walk" when I was hit by the bus, but according to all other testimonies, that's incorrect.  When we write things down, we have a permanent record of what actually happened.  There have been multiple times when I've gone back through a journal or this blog and reread entries and been reminded of events that I had long since forgotten.

Not only does this mean that we can communicate to ourselves in the future, but we can relay information to people who haven't even been born yet.  In 1 Nephi, the Lord expresses the importance of the scriptures to Nephi, to the point of commanding him to slay Laban in order to obtain the Plates of Brass (though, yes, according to the law at the time, Nephi had every right to slay Laban for stealing his property).  The word of the Lord existed because His prophets had written down revelations they had received.  The scriptures could not exist today without written language.

Since we know that Adam and Eve had written language, that means that written language was created by God.  And with it, what an amazing tool we have!

I'm sure that it's not terribly surprising I would contemplate something we all take for granted (myself included) since I've dedicated my life to the written word, but it's still nice to take time and appreciate what a beautiful thing that we have with writing.

Tuesdays with Media: Dumbo

You had to know this one was coming, right?

Dumbo, released in 1941, was the fourth feature-length animated feature from Walt Disney.  Apparently, it was made on the cheap to make up for the financial bomb that was Fantasia; it's just over an hour long, which was short even back then, and the animation style is less detailed than previous films by the studio.  Even if the movie was meant to be filler, it did well-enough at the box office to keep the studio going (Dumbo was only the second film by Disney that actually made money).

The story is about a baby circus elephant with huge ears which cause him to be the source of ridicule, but later on grant him the ability to fly (the idea that something embarrassing is a secret power is an idea that Hollywood really went nuts with in the 80s and 90s).  The movie stood out for being fun, having good music, and a unique dream sequence shown in the video above.  Years later, a scene with crows (the leader of which is named "Jim" in the script) stands out as portraying negative racial stereotypes, though I think most people recognize it as a product of its time (the film is still highly-regarded to this day).

I loved this movie as a kid.  There's one scene, where Dumbo visits his mother where she's chained up (she was protecting Dumbo from an aggressive visitor) and she can only barely reach out with her trunk and cradle her baby for a single, heartfelt song.  I watched this movie a lot as a kid and this scene always made me bawl my eyes out.  Even now, just thinking about that scene makes me a bit misty-eyed.  This single scene is a great testament of what can be done with visual story-telling, as the song merely backs up what we're watching.

And since I loved this, of course I loved the super cheesy live-action show that was on the Disney Channel in the 80s, Dumbo's Circus.  Even as a kid, I could tell how many of the special effects were pulled off (even I didn't know what a "blue screen" was, I could see when one was being used), but that didn't mean I didn't love it (although, I did wonder where Timothy Q. Mouse was).

Even though I haven't watched this movie in years, I remember it fondly.  This film helped to teach me at an early age that experiencing sadness isn't a horrible thing, especially in our stories.  Yes, it has a happy ending, but one that it earned by having our characters suffer, and we, the audience, feel everything they do. Basically, it's just good story telling.  If you can stand a few tears, along with grins, give this one another go.

Dumbo is distributed by Walt Disney Pictures.

Personal Totems

The standard definition of a totem is an item of spiritual significance, although the word has sort of been adopted by the secular world to simply refer to an item that is of personal significance to a particular individual.  I've been thinking lately about the fact that, whenever I leave the house, I make sure that I have ten items with me.  While there are exceptions, like when I go for a run or have to head to the ER, if I'm not at home, I will always have these ten things on my person.

1. Belt

I bought this belt while I was serving my mission from a genuine Amish tanner.  It is the highest quality belt I have ever owned and even though I had to add two new holes to it to continue wearing it, I refuse to even entertain the notion of going belt shopping.  Not that it needs replacing, mind you.  Even after over a decade of constant use, it shows only minimal signs of wear.

2. Pendant

When Ian returned home from one of his tours of duty, he brought me back a pendant carved out of camel bone.  I was surprised since I'm not one for jewelry, but I was touched that he took the trouble to get me something personal.  Ever since then, I've worn the necklace as a way of symbolizing my family.  I think it's appropriate that when it hangs from my neck, the pendant rest near my heart.

3. Hair-tie/Bracelet

Before I moved to Maryland, I was growing my hair out.  It was Allison's idea, but I thought it might be fun and since I was just working a retail job, I figured it wouldn't hurt my job prospects.  I had just grown my hair long enough that it was starting to become unruly, so I asked Allison one day if she had an extra hair-tie.  She had one on her wrist that she gave me.  I got a haircut almost as soon as I arrived in Maryland, but I kept the hair-tie.  I now wear it like a bracelet around my right wrist as representation of my separation with Allison, as much our marital separation as our physical separation.

4. Watch

When I first entered the mission field, I bought a nice bracelet-style watch off an Elder that would soon be returning home.  It was a nice watch and I got a good deal on it.  Afterwards, it was one of only a few things stolen when my parents' home was broken into.  I went a while without a watch, not really planning on when, or even if, I would replace it.  Allison took the decision away from me when she gave me my current watch as a birthday present one year.  It's a Fossil, the same brand and style of the last one, even the same color.  It was touching that she paid such close attention to the details, but simply the gift itself was already thoughtful enough.

5. Wallet

I have owned this wallet since sometime in high school.  It's not that it's in such great condition, like with my belt - it isn't falling apart, but there is at least one seam that's completely missing along with some other areas where it's been beaten up a bit.  No, the biggest reason that I haven't replaced it is that I hate wallet shopping.  All I want is what I already have, just new.  I don't like reorganizing my various cards and identifications, so having a wallet where everything is where it's supposed to be is really convenient.

6. Cell Phone

Of course I carry a cell phone with me.  However, I have yet to change over to having a smart phone.  I know once I do, there's no turning back, but, honestly, I like having a small phone that fits next to my fat wallet.  My current phone makes calls and can send and receive texts, though I can't send pictures from it, even though I can receive them.  Huh.  Well, it works for my needs.

7. Car Keys

I really should call it my car key, singular, since there's only one key on this ring.  I have a few "shopping club" cards on there, my vial of consecrated oil, my flash drive, and the item that I use nearly as much as my car key: nail clippers (I get a lot of hang nails).

8. House Keys

This time it really is keys, plural.  I am so paranoid of locking myself out of my apartment that when ever I leave, I catch the door with my shoe until I am physically touching the keys with my hand (which now a move committed to muscle-memory).  I keep the house keys separate so that when I go running, I can cut down on extra weight by not having my other keys with me.

9. Lip Balm

When I was a child, I licked my lips so constantly, I would not only chap my lips, but also the area right above my lips, resulting in a patch of red right under my nose that would turn brown as it healed - I remember a handful of times when someone would ask me how I could have a mustache when I was so young.  The only solution to stop me was lip balm: not only would the balm taste bad, but it kept my lips moist enough that I didn't need to lick them.  Ever since I started going to public school again at age 11, I've made sure to always have lip balm with me.  I prefer a particular brand these days, but I usually pull the label off since I like the aesthetic of a plain white tube.

10. Wedding Band

The only time I take my ring off is when I go running.  I've lost enough weight since I picked it out that it rattles a bit but it still fits well enough during my regular activities that it isn't worth getting it resized, at least not yet.  While it's obvious what my wedding band represents, I'll simply say that I had a particular style in mind when  I went ring shopping with Allison in the weeks leading up to the wedding and I was pleased to find exactly what I was looking for with this ring.

So there you have it.  Many of the items listed here are practical, some are sentimental, and a few are both.  While I am not a materialistic person, these are ten items that I refuse to be without.

Comfort Food

I discovered recently that I find the smell of flour to be very comforting.  Even though I mostly focus on desserts, where the prominent flavor is sweetness, flour seems to have a very calming effect on me.

My first impression on the matter is that I have often baked things as an act of service to someone else, so I have come to associate the act of baking with feeling positive about doing kind deeds.  Certainly there have been times that I bake because I want some cookies or brownies or something, but nearly every time, I end up sharing what I've made with someone else.

But there's something else.  Why is it the smell of flour and not vanilla extract or brown sugar or even baking soda?  It could be that I encounter those other aromas in situations that are not related to baking, such as brown sugar in my oatmeal or baking soda used for cleaning (after the fly attack, I used baking soda to deodorize my carpet).  However, I think it also connects back to my childhood.

Smell is supposed to be the sense most closely connected to memory, sometimes not a particular memory, but to a span of time where that smell would be associated.  The smell of burning plastic still reminds me of a job where I one of my duties was shrink-wrapping books, but the entire job comes to mind, not any individual project or book title.

Perhaps the reason I find the smell of flour comforting is because I remember spending a lot of time grinding wheat into flour so that my mom could bake bread.  I was the designated "grinder," probably because even then I could do monotonous tasks without complaining (though, I probably did complain and I just don't remember it).  For a few years, I would spend some time everyday grinding the wheat into flour.  I was very close to the flour as it poured out of the mill, some of it undoubtedly flying into the air, making the aroma very intense.  I remember the fresh-baked bread as always being a treat.  When we would make sandwiches out of it, it seemed strange.  This bread was for eating by itself or with just a bit of butter, not for making sandwiches out of.

Maybe the reason the smell of flour is comforting is both the memories I have of it as a child, and the time I've spent with it as an adult.  The time periods are very different, but for both time of my life, I have associated flour with service.  And right now, any reminder of working is a positive one.