Secret Society

I originally wrote this piece (it's a teleplay) for a class in college back in the fall of 2009.  It was soon after this happened.  Some of the people that appear here are no longer with us and I was a bit too cruel with some of my humor, but I still think it stands as being funny, even if it is a little mean-spirited.  Let me know what you think.

INT. OF A DARK ROOM

We see a round table surrounded by several people wearing long cloaks with hoods pull up so that we cannot see anyone's face.  The cloaks appear to be made of silk and most are black, but there are a few that are different colors.  The room is partially lit with candles that line the room.  Few details of the room are visible, but we can see that it has wood paneling with a ledge for the candles to rest on about 5 feet up.  The camera slowly pans around the backs of the figures at the table and we can see that one chair is vacant.  One figure reaches forward with an old, but still quite feminine hand, and strikes a gavel on the table.

CHAIRMAN: This meeting of the Insane Celebrity Brotherhood will come to order.  What is our order of business, Secretary Liza Minnelli?

SECRETARY: The induction of Brother Kayne West into the High Circle, Chairman Elizabeth Taylor.

CHAIRMAN: [to self] Ah, yes.  That was beautiful what he did at the VMA's. [to group again] Brother Kayne West!  Step forward!

We see a figure enter the room, again dressed in a black, silk cloak, but the figure is wearing sunglasses on the outside of the hood.

BROTHER KAYNE WEST: 'Sup, y'all?

CHAIRMAN: The High Circle of the Insane Celebrity Brotherhood welcomes you, Brother Kayne West.  You have been an active member for quite some time, but with the tragic passing of Chairman Michael Jackson we had a vacant seat.

BROTHER KAYNE WEST: Why do you think I did what I did when I did?

CHAIRMAN: Exactly.  Please take your seat.

BROTHER KAYNE WEST seats down on the other end of the table from THE CHAIRMAN.  The figure in a pink robe raises her well manicured hand.

CHAIRMAN: Yes, Sister Paris Hilton?

SISTER PARIS HILTON: Yeah, so why do we have to wear these robes again?  I don't like the hoody thingies.

CHAIRMAN: [sighing] We've been over this, Sister Paris Hilton.  Who would like to answer?

SISTER LINDSEY LOHAN: I thought it was because it was fun.

CHAIRMAN: Well, yes, but the official reason we wear them.

A male hand raises.  The robe he wears is black.

CHAIRMAN: Go ahead, Brother Tom Cruise.

BROTHER TOM CRUISE: To protect our identities.

CHAIRMAN: Yes, thank you Brother Tom Cruise.  This way, no one knows who anyone else is, so we won't be intimidated by having to work with any other crazy celebrities.

SISTER BRITNEY SPEARS: So why do we still say our full names?

CHAIRMAN: And who would like to answer that one?

BROTHER TOM CRUISE: Does it have to do with aliens?

CHAIRMAN: [sighing] No, Brother Tom Cruise, we've gone over this.  If you aren't at Church, you don't need to mention aliens.  Who else?

SISTER AMY WINEHOUSE: Oi!

CHAIRMAN: I'm not responding to you Sister Amy Winehouse.  Not until you apologize.

SISTER AMY WINEHOUSE: I didn't know it was your dog!  Who brings a dog with them everywhere they go?!

Several hands go up.
SISTER AMY WINEHOUSE: You take a dump on a dog just once and no one forgets. [Takes a drink from a bottle].  I'm checkin' out.

One more hand goes up from a figure in a sparkly white cloak.

CHAIRMAN: Yes, please, Brother Prince.

BROTHER PRINCE: As celebrities, we crave attention.  So even in secret, we want everyone to know who we are.

Sitting next to BROTHER PRINCE is BROTHER DAVID HASSELHOFF, whose cloak is covered with pictures of his own face.

BROTHER DAVID HASSELHOFF: Speak for yourself.

END SCENE.