The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

The Good
I was invited over to hang out with a couple in the ward this Saturday.  It's a family that I've had plenty of interactions with and I've visited before, so it was great to hang out again.  We have a lot in common and we're all so talkative that I got there at about 7:30 and left just before midnight - and that was after several attempts to leave sooner, but the conversation just kept starting up again.  Samuel came along as well and it was clear that he was happy to visit with some more people, but he wasn't quite as ready to socialize so long as he fell asleep a few times.

One thing that I did as a way to show my appreciation for the invitation, I made cupcakes.  I usually stick with cookies, but since I wanted to stick with ingredients that I had on hand as much as possible, I felt that cupcakes were a better options.  While the couple complimented me on the treats, they were really enthusiastic about the frosting.  I usually stick with butter cream frosting, but this time I went with a marshmallow-based frosting.  It was more work than I anticipated, but it was worth it the extra effort.  (For those interested, the cupcake recipe I used can be found here and the frosting recipe I used can be found here.)

The Bad
I've been stressed out at work this week.  I was surprised to learn that I misunderstood a document I was working on and had to start nearly from the ground up.  While my supervisor has been very understanding, I still missed an internal deadline.  The good news is that I am now on the right track, but I'm still going to have to work late everyday this week to get as much done as possible.

The Ugly
Due to my elevated stress levels, I was in an agitated state yesterday at Church.  I intentionally choose my seat based on the lack of small children in the vicinity to help me stay calm.  Five minutes before the sacrament hymn began, two families slid into the row directly in front of me.  While the children in this group were certainly better behaved than some that I've seen, their lack of reverence still pushed me over the edge.  At one point, one of the mothers looked at me and apologized, but all I could muster was making eye-contact with no expression.

I want to make something very clear: I am not blaming these families for ruining my Church experience.  I was not in a good place when I arrived and probably anything could have pushed me over the edge.  I am, however, frustrated with our society that I can't critique what I see in a child's behavior without being the bad guy.  I know that what was expected of me when the woman apologized, according to social cues, was that I accept her apology and assure her everything was fine but that would have been lying.  If I had said anything other than "It's fine," I would be perceived as a monster.  The woman, who I'd seen before but only passing, was clearly annoyed with my reaction, or lack of one, though she never said anything else to me.

By the time Sacrament Meeting ended, I was in full-blown panic mode.  I couldn't talk without severely stuttering and it was all I could do not visibly shake.  I knew that I wouldn't be able to teach my Sunday School class, so I looked around for the Sunday School President but to no avail.  I grabbed the First Counselor of the Bishopric and explained in my halted speech that I had to leave.  He told me that he would take care of things and that I shouldn't worry, which of course still I did.  I texted Samuel that he would need to find a ride home and I left - he was very understanding when he got home and I explained what happened, but I still felt like a heel for abandoning him.

Part of the reason for my panic attack is that I had been fighting depression for awhile, and while depression and anxiety are related, how to combat them is slightly different.  While I was depressed, I just needed to keep busy but now I need to manage my time efficiently.  For example, it's very easy for me to hung up on the formatting of a document.  That means I can spend an hour or two correcting the capitalization of a particular word as it appears in the document.  While that can work if there's time, with a looming deadline, I should have left the formatting to the end.

Another mistake I made was that I didn't arrive early.  I got there just in time, but by then most of the pews were filled.  I scanned for a spot with few children and took a seat in the overflow, which is often a battleground where reverence is concerned.  Clearly, I need to arrive early.  I talked to Samuel and he agreed that it would be good to get there fifteen minutes early.

So I had a week and weekend that was filled with ups and downs, but it's still an improvement over being unemployed.  Let's see if this coming week can be much more positive.