Yesterday evening, when Samuel got home from work, I greeted him and asked him how he was doing. His reply was a simple "good." When I asked how his work day went, he again went the simple route: "busy."
I was preparing my dinner, so I was happy to keep our conversation brief, but I made a few comments about how a busy day can make the work day go faster. He then brought up that he had had an awkward encounter with his manager. On his lunch break, Samuel stepped outside to call his wife to find out about a court appearance that she made on his behalf (he needs to get some documents to help his immigration case in the US, so she was appearing in court to obtain the documents). Unfortunately, she missed the appearance. In Nigerian culture, when someone shows you disrespect, it is normal to shout and berate that person until they are more respectful, which is exactly what Samuel did when talking to his wife. His manager overheard Samuel shouting in Yoruba and asked what happened. When Samuel explained, the manager was not very understanding and made some comments about how Samuel was being abusive. (By the way, they were able to schedule another court appearance for today, so everything should be fine.)
Hearing Samuel's story - and knowing a little bit more about his culture than the average American - I suggested that he try to not be so public with his personal issues, not because he was wrong, but because his actions could be misinterpreted.
From the other side of things, Samuel expressed his frustrations with someone that he met soon after moving to Maryland. A member of our ward asked Samuel a lot of questions about his situation, so he went into great detail about what he was going through. The member offered his condolences and went on his way. To Samuel, a person would only ask personal questions if they were willing to offer help - either financial or emotional. So when he shared such deeply intimate things, he was shocked to get little more than a "that's too bad."
And that's when Samuel starting learning more about American culture. We tend to be friendly with one another, even to people that we just meet, but we ask personal questions as a way to get to know each other. And if you think about it, that's pretty weird. I mean, yeah, it makes sense to ask questions to get to know someone better, but doesn't it make more sense to make small talk about general topics ("You catch the game last night?") rather than more personal stuff ("I see you're wearing a wedding ring; got any kids?")? Another problem is that when we ask these sorts of questions, we're not expecting the person to air their dirty laundry. If you greet someone by asking them "How're you doing?", and they answer with anything other than a positive response, it feels super awkward. You probably think that they're being rude by complaining, while they probably think that they're just being honest.
I expressed to Samuel that I am very careful about who I talk to about my own situation. For example, it is mostly well known in my ward that I'm married but separated, but other than the Bishop, only two people know more than that. Occasionally, someone will ask for more detail as to why we're separated (which I see as ridiculously rude), but I'll only ever give a vague answer like "it's complicated."
Samuel seems to be gaining a better understanding American culture (really, greater Baltimore-area culture), it's just unfortunate that a lot of his lessons are learned by making faux pas. Hopefully that just means that the lessons will stick.
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