Principles for Improved Interpersonal Ralationships

I read an article a few weeks back about a women who discovered her husband was secretly an internet troll.  For those who don’t know, a "troll" is someone that argues online for no real reason – they verbally assault people, belittling them and their point of view because they like feeling superior to other people; they're bullies, basically.  The woman in the article was shocked and gave her husband an ultimatum: he stops trolling and they go to marriage counseling or they get divorced.

Her demands were unreasonable.  Here's why:

Firstly, while I do not condone keeping secrets from your spouse, discovering something dark about your significant other does not actually make everything else a lie.  Let’s say that you found out that your husband used to participate in dog fighting and only stopped because of a close-call with the cops.  That doesn't mean that every time he gently handled the family dog was disingenuous or that he hates animals.  Should his dark past be addressed?  Absolutely.  Should he feel coerced into talking about it?  No.  Now I recognize that it can be difficult to control your emotions when you’re under duress and that can make looking at the big picture difficult, which is why it's usually a good idea to try to cool off before addressing complex issues like newly-discovered secrets.

That leads into the next part, which is that things are never black and white.  Our brains naturally like to put things into categories because it makes life easier to process.  It's easy to think that carnivores are dangerous and herbivores are safe, but the truth is that hippopotamuses kill more people every year than crocodiles.  Life is more complicated than we want to admit.  Maybe our analogous husband got into dog fighting because it was a way to bond with his otherwise emotionally distant father, so he associates the activity with fond memories.  That doesn't excuse his involvement in a brutal, and illegal, sport, but it does add perspective to his past.  It also helps his wife see him as a person who made mistakes and not as a "monster."

Finally, you can't change another person.  Going back to the real example from the beginning, the woman saw her husband's behavior as a troll as unacceptable, so she demanded that he change.  The problem is that she doesn’t have the right to demand that.  She can say that she is uncomfortable with his behavior, that she can’t support him while he does it, she can even say that if he doesn't change she will be forced to leave him, but once she makes demands of him, she's crossed the line.

Let me try to elaborate a bit.  Last winter, I was unemployed and I had a lot of time to think.  I discovered that I wasn't the person that I wanted to be.  I didn’t like that, so I made a concerted effort to change.  I saw some failings that I wanted gone, so worked to get rid of them.  But, and this is important, I did it for me.  Motivation to change can begin with someone else pointing out what's wrong with us, but unless we adopt it ourselves, the change won't stick.  How many stories have you heard about someone working on an addiction, trying to lose weight, or even changing religions for another person, only for that person to revert to their old ways before long?  Too many to count, I’m sure.

My point to writing this essay is to put down in words some ideas that have been ruminating in my head for a while, but also to help anyone that may be dealing with interpersonal relationship issues.  Whether you’re having problems with your spouse, a friend, or a coworker, it’s important to employ the three principles discussed here:

1. One lie does not change everything
2. People are not all-good or all-bad.
3. True, lasting change needs to be personal.

Even if the woman with the troll for a husband had followed these steps, it may not have been enough to save their marriage.  Even under the best circumstances, marriages are hard.  However, using the right tools can make it possible to overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles.  I earned these tools the hard way, through adversity and hard work.  Hopefully, these tools will work for you as well.