Wasted Time

My plan to make it to the temple on Saturday failed again, this time because I had a panic attack that lasted for over two hours.

On Friday, I felt pretty good: work had gone well that week (both in terms of productivity and in terms of positive feedback from my superiors), Samuel had gotten his work visa and had applied for a Social Security Number, and it was payday.  Even my parents commented that I sounded like I was in much better spirits when I spoke with them.  I was feeling good and had a plan in place to keep it that by attending the temple.

Then Saturday happened.  Really it started on Friday with a frozen pizza that I shared with Samuel as congratulations for getting his visa - I don't know why, but frozen pizza seems to trigger anxiety within me.  On Saturday, I got up later than I had planned, which meant that my blood-sugar was low (due to a late breakfast) and I had to eat before I could think clearly.  Instead of eating and immediately getting in the shower, I sat and did some reading.  I continued reading for a couple of hours and before I knew it, it was lunchtime (remember, breakfast was late, so lunch came faster than usual).  After I ate, I was determined to hop in the shower and head to DC.  However, because it was now so late in the day - around two o'clock - I felt anxious about having wasted so much time.  As I stood up to go shower, I started shaking (think of it as a full-body stutter).  I went to my room to shake it out, hoping to be over it soon.  I stayed in my room for a little over two hours.  Now, I wasn't shaking the whole time: I fell asleep a couple of times, but every time I woke up and I tried to get up, the shakes began again.  By the time I came out of my room, it was nearly five o'clock and I had run out of time.  Samuel came home from spending time with the full-time missionaries and needed a ride to a job he does on Saturdays for a member of the ward.

I know what I did wrong this time.  In addition to the previously mentioned bad meal choice for Friday's dinner, I allowed myself to sleep too late on Saturday morning.  I am not a natural morning person, so I often look forward to the weekend as a chance to sleep late.  And while sleeping a little later is appropriate, I over did it and put up an obstacle in my own path.  Also, I didn't immediately shower after eating breakfast.  Showering, for whatever reason, represents productivity to me.  When it's delayed, my anxiety/depression has a chance to take hold.  I was able to force myself to shower on Sunday and I started feeling better almost immediately.

While this weekend was a wasted opportunity, I've discovered what mistakes I made so that I can avoid them in the future, which is some progress.  Also, my lousy weekend doesn't change the fact that I still had a pretty good week.  Let's see if I can do it again and make the progress last beyond five days.