Secret Society

I originally wrote this piece (it's a teleplay) for a class in college back in the fall of 2009.  It was soon after this happened.  Some of the people that appear here are no longer with us and I was a bit too cruel with some of my humor, but I still think it stands as being funny, even if it is a little mean-spirited.  Let me know what you think.

INT. OF A DARK ROOM

We see a round table surrounded by several people wearing long cloaks with hoods pull up so that we cannot see anyone's face.  The cloaks appear to be made of silk and most are black, but there are a few that are different colors.  The room is partially lit with candles that line the room.  Few details of the room are visible, but we can see that it has wood paneling with a ledge for the candles to rest on about 5 feet up.  The camera slowly pans around the backs of the figures at the table and we can see that one chair is vacant.  One figure reaches forward with an old, but still quite feminine hand, and strikes a gavel on the table.

CHAIRMAN: This meeting of the Insane Celebrity Brotherhood will come to order.  What is our order of business, Secretary Liza Minnelli?

SECRETARY: The induction of Brother Kayne West into the High Circle, Chairman Elizabeth Taylor.

CHAIRMAN: [to self] Ah, yes.  That was beautiful what he did at the VMA's. [to group again] Brother Kayne West!  Step forward!

We see a figure enter the room, again dressed in a black, silk cloak, but the figure is wearing sunglasses on the outside of the hood.

BROTHER KAYNE WEST: 'Sup, y'all?

CHAIRMAN: The High Circle of the Insane Celebrity Brotherhood welcomes you, Brother Kayne West.  You have been an active member for quite some time, but with the tragic passing of Chairman Michael Jackson we had a vacant seat.

BROTHER KAYNE WEST: Why do you think I did what I did when I did?

CHAIRMAN: Exactly.  Please take your seat.

BROTHER KAYNE WEST seats down on the other end of the table from THE CHAIRMAN.  The figure in a pink robe raises her well manicured hand.

CHAIRMAN: Yes, Sister Paris Hilton?

SISTER PARIS HILTON: Yeah, so why do we have to wear these robes again?  I don't like the hoody thingies.

CHAIRMAN: [sighing] We've been over this, Sister Paris Hilton.  Who would like to answer?

SISTER LINDSEY LOHAN: I thought it was because it was fun.

CHAIRMAN: Well, yes, but the official reason we wear them.

A male hand raises.  The robe he wears is black.

CHAIRMAN: Go ahead, Brother Tom Cruise.

BROTHER TOM CRUISE: To protect our identities.

CHAIRMAN: Yes, thank you Brother Tom Cruise.  This way, no one knows who anyone else is, so we won't be intimidated by having to work with any other crazy celebrities.

SISTER BRITNEY SPEARS: So why do we still say our full names?

CHAIRMAN: And who would like to answer that one?

BROTHER TOM CRUISE: Does it have to do with aliens?

CHAIRMAN: [sighing] No, Brother Tom Cruise, we've gone over this.  If you aren't at Church, you don't need to mention aliens.  Who else?

SISTER AMY WINEHOUSE: Oi!

CHAIRMAN: I'm not responding to you Sister Amy Winehouse.  Not until you apologize.

SISTER AMY WINEHOUSE: I didn't know it was your dog!  Who brings a dog with them everywhere they go?!

Several hands go up.
SISTER AMY WINEHOUSE: You take a dump on a dog just once and no one forgets. [Takes a drink from a bottle].  I'm checkin' out.

One more hand goes up from a figure in a sparkly white cloak.

CHAIRMAN: Yes, please, Brother Prince.

BROTHER PRINCE: As celebrities, we crave attention.  So even in secret, we want everyone to know who we are.

Sitting next to BROTHER PRINCE is BROTHER DAVID HASSELHOFF, whose cloak is covered with pictures of his own face.

BROTHER DAVID HASSELHOFF: Speak for yourself.

END SCENE.

Cutting Ties

This last year has been one of self-reflection.  I've thought a lot about who I am and how I interact with other people; I've also recently started reviewing media: it really was only a matter of time before the two intersected.

For the most part, when I begin following something, be it a TV show, a webcomic, or a band, I generally stick with it.  Giving up on a source of entertainment takes a lot of effort for me.  When I declared myself no longer a fan of Metallica, it was after about a year of not really enjoying their music but not wanting to admit it to myself.  Maybe I get caught in routines or something but it's difficult for me to move on.

Well, very recently, I've given up on a few things.  Parks and Recreation hasn't been consistently funny for nearly a season but I kept with it.  I think since I had stuck with them for so long, I was hoping it would be funny again, but I decided a few weeks ago that it didn't deserve my time anymore.  I do think that there are some very talented people involved with the show, but it's just not working for me anymore.

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal started out as a webcomic that poked fun at geek culture and often used charts and pie graphs and [gasp!] math to convey the punchline.  It was occasionally a bit off-colored with its humor, but those strips didn't seem to show up that often.  However, since the cartoonist, Zach Weinersmith, became a father within the last year, he's been using his strip as a way to stand on a soapbox and share his personal philosophies.  I do not fault him for doing that but the philosophy that he seems most fond of lately has been atheism, which was the message of three strips in only two weeks.  I was supporting his webcomic because I thought he was funny or at least clever, but I can't continue to support someone who attacks my beliefs.

I don't know why I hang onto media franchises well past the point of enjoyment but I've started making progress in recognizing when it's time to say good-bye.

Tuesdays with Media: Serlock vs. Elementary

Sherlock Holmes has had a bit of a resurgence in popularity lately.  In particular, modern day adaptations seem to be in vogue with Sherlock on BBC One and Elementary on CBS.  While both shows share the same source material, each has its own take on the public domain character.  Which one is superior?  Let's take a look.

Sherlock is at a bit of a disadvantage when it comes to character development because each of its three seasons has only three 90-minute episodes, while Elementary's two seasons have had twenty-four 45-minute episodes apiece (60 minutes with commercials).  That means that Elementary has had more time to develop its characters and story arcs.  Simply based on format, Elementary has the advantage to showcase the characters.  Point to Elementary.

While the format of Sherlock puts it at a disadvantage for developing the characters, it has the advantage for each individual case.  Each episode focuses on one case, so with double the time, Sherlock can let the story build a lot more before finally being resolved.  Additionally, the shots are often more creative.  There are more visual effects to show what Holmes is thinking.  When he explains how he was able to deduce something, Holmes narrates as there are close-up shots of each clue, reminding the audience that they had a chance to make the same conclusions.  Elementary mostly just has static shots of the good detective explaining what we saw earlier in the episode.  With fewer episodes each season, the production staff of Sherlock have more time for each episode to put together a more visually-stimulating story.  Point to Sherlock.

Character-wise, we have our main detective played by Benedict Cumberbatch on Sherlock and Jonny Lee Miller on Elementary, both very talented actors.  I prefer Miller's take on the character, though that has as much to do with the writing as the acting.  In my opinion, Holmes needs to be a likable jerk, but I just end up hating Cumberbatch's portrayal of the detective.  Miller's Holmes is a jerk, yes, but one that the audience can relate to: he's a recovered heroine addict who's new drug is solving crimes and feeling superior to everyone around him.  The drug addict component makes Holmes more flawed, which I enjoy.  Point again to Elementary.

You can't have Holmes without Dr. John Watson, which both provide in Martin Freeman on Sherlock and Lucy Liu (as Joan Watson) on Elementary.  I prefer Freeman, though Liu's performances in the second season are noticeably improved from the first.  Freeman and Cumberbatch have great chemistry together and they really look like they're having fun together, even when Watson gets annoyed at Holmes' cryptic way of explaining a crime scene.  However, I do enjoy how Liu's Watson has become Holmes protege and she often has a part to play in solving the case by providing some medical knowledge that Miller's Holmes begrudgingly acknowledges.  Plus, the producers of the show took a risk by changing Watson's gender and I applaud them for not making Watson Holmes' love interest.  Even so, point goes to Sherlock on the Watson front.

If you've been keeping track, both shows are tied.  For the tie-breaker, I've decided to simply look at which tells a better story.  Sherlock's version of Holmes is much less likable, but works on more interesting crimes, while Elementary's Holmes is more related, but works on more mundane cases.  However, Elementary's version has had to face his own internal demons more and even put a detective that he regularly worked with in the hospital because of a miscalculation.  Yes, the detective lived, but it still took several episodes for the two characters to be on speaking terms again; that's refreshing to see on television, where so much effort is often put into maintaining the status quo.  Sherlock's Holmes hasn't faced nearly as many obstacles, mostly just people thinking that he and Watson are a gay couple, but that's more of Watson's problem since Holmes never cares what other people think.  The final point goes to Elementary.

I want to reiterate that both shows have very talented people working on them, both in front of and behind the camera.  I prefer the American version, but then again, I am part of its intended audience.

Sherlock is distributed in the US by PBS and Elementary is distributed by CBS Television Distribution

Second-hand

As you may or may not be aware, every piece of furniture that I own (with the exception of my mattress set) had a previous owner.  Perhaps since I was often the recipient of "hand-me-downs" as a child, doing it as an adult seems natural; or maybe it's just because getting used furniture is better than having no furniture, since that's basically my only other option at this point.

Well, as I was returning home from my run on Saturday, I passed by one of my apartment complex's dumpsters.  Sitting next to it was an end table.  I paused to examine it.  The table was perfectly fine, save for a missing buttress at the base (the table has a single leg that flares out into a cross at the bottom).  The table is made out of solid wood and was remarkably clean.  I decided that it would be a shame to pass it up, so I hefted it onto my shoulder and walked the rest of the way home.

There are opportunities in our lives that are there to bless us, but only if take hold of them.  It may be something as small as a nice new end table or it may be a new job or an opportunity to serve.  While the blessing of a new piece of furniture is not terribly important, it is nice to be reminded that we need to be ready to recognize when we are offered a blessing from the Lord and when we are offered trash.

Third Time's the Charm

So, there's that whole "new job" thing that's still happening - that may just be a positive spin on "I haven't been fired yet."  I jest, of course: things at work are better than that.  In fact, I finally met a deadline.

Since I misunderstood my first assignment, missed the deadline, and kept working on it in an attempt to complete it, that pushed my next assignment back as well.  I ended up missing my second deadline by entire week.  It sounds worse than it is - since the second assignment is tied closely to the first, about 70% of the document can't be completed until the first assignment is finished.  As the first assignment is being worked on by my boss, turning in an incomplete assignment was expected, but it's still frustrating that I was late with it.

However, as you may have already guessed from the post title, I completed my latest assignment on time.  I actually submitted it a couple of days early, but that just meant that I had time to make the corrections that my boss pointed out.  It makes me feel super lame to be experiencing such pride for simply fulfilling my job duties, but considering that I was failing at even just doing that for a few weeks, I think I've earned this pride.

While I still need to work to prove myself and build a reputation within the company, I've finally started climbing out of the hole I started in.

Hold It

As an after school tutor, I mostly focus on helping the kids that I work with do drills in reading comprehension and arithmetic.  However, there is another element that I've had to start addressing that is not related to their school work: bodily functions.

To be clear, I don't work with anyone younger than third grade, yet this problem persists.  On Monday, I had to explain to the fifth grader I was tutoring about the concept of holding your farts in.  His response?  "I don't really know how to hold them in."  How has he not been told about this?!  I realize that in our culture, we are so afraid of the sounds and smells that people make that our natural inclination is to not say anything, but no one really mentioned that he should hold it in?  Not even his parents?

Anyway, after several more incidents, I finally explained how smelling works (that is, that tiny molecules of whatever we smell actually goes inside our noses) and that seemed to shock him.  A little bit later, he declared that he held one in.  I asked if it was hard, genuinely curious.  He answered with, "No, not really."

I'm sure all of the parents reading are unimpressed, but I bet they all taught their kids to hold it in, too.

Tuesdays with Media: No One Knows

Have you ever heard a song that felt like it always existed?  Maybe a hymn or a piece of classical music, but what about more popular music?  By the time I was born, the Beatles had already put out all of their music, so even when I discovered something new, I knew that it had been around for decades.  Sometimes, however, a new piece of music comes around that feels like its been around for longer.  Not that it's old fashioned so much as that you can't imagine the world without that song.  That's how I feel about the Queen's of the Stone Age's biggest hit, "No One Knows."

What a strange mash-up of styles that ends up working perfectly.  It's definitely got a Rockabilly rhythm to it, but the song is clearly metal.  Even though I'm a fan of the band's other work, I can totally see why this is their highest-charting single (number 1 on the Modern Rock Charts).

The album this song comes from, Song for the Deaf, was released only a few months after I went on my mission, so I didn't hear it until I had returned home.  However, there was never a point where I remember hearing it for the first time.  It was sort of like, "Oh yeah, this song is cool."  It's interesting that a song that I think of as being so unique, I can't remember the first time I heard it.  But that's what's so interesting to me.  It's as if the song has always existed, even though it's only about a dozen years old.  I can't remember the first time I heard "Eight Days a Week" and I can't remember the first time I heard "No One Knows" because, to me, they've never not been around.

Songs for the Deaf is distributed by Interscope Records.

Full Weekend

This week, my little sister, Paige, visited the area.  She and her husband, Eugene, were staying with the Larsens all week, so I made the trip to hang out with everybody on Saturday.  I, of course, had to bake something, and since I know Paige doesn't care for chocolate, I decided to go with strawberry cupcakes.  They were a hit with all who tasted them, though Ian was the most vocal about how tasty they were (while I used this recipe for the cupcakes, I made the marshmallow frosting again and mixed in some strawberry jam).  It was really fun to hang out with Paige and to get a chance to talk to Eugene a bit more since I haven't been around him a whole lot.  All around, it was really good that I made the trip.

And then there's Sunday.  Do you remember last week when I had my panic attack that was triggered by some slightly rowdy kids and I had to leave church?  Well, I planned ahead and arrived ten minutes early and sat in the third pew from the front.  That alone was tremendously helpful and I was able to more fully feel the Spirit.  Once we were released, I went to the Sunday School classroom and started writing the scripture references we would be using on the chalkboard.  That's when I was asked by someone behind me if I "like the children?"  It was the mother from the previous week.  That's why she look familiar, she was in my Sunday School class!  I explained that her question was a complex one.  I said that I had just hung out with my niece and nephew the day before and that I regularly tutor kids in an after school program.  She asked if I have children of my own.  When I said that I don't, she explained that I looked like I was in a bad mood last Sunday and that she thought it might have been because of her son.  I panic and I lied and said that I didn't remember, but that the previous Sunday was a hard day for me and I was in a bad mood for unrelated reasons, which was completely true.

She let it go at that point, but boy did it bother me.  I taught the lesson without issue and moved on to Elder's Quorum, but once church was out, I went straight home and made a batch of sugar cookies, frosted them some with the leftover strawberry-marshmallow frosting, put them on a plate and drove to the sister's house to deliver them.  I was warmly welcomed by both the sister and her husband.  Apparently, she has a very dry sense of humor and was just giving me a hard time, but did it in such a straight-faced way that I had no idea that she was joking.  She laughed at the idea that I thought that she was offended and both her and her husband invited me to stay for dinner.  I declined since I needed to do some preparations for the rest of the week, but suggested that perhaps in the future we could plan something.

I am happy for this experience.  It would have been so easy for me to let it go after she dropped the issue before Sunday School, but I'm glad that I didn't.  I reached out and apologized and in the process, got to know someone new.  When I mentioned that I was a technical writer (and that I was stressed from work), she shared that she has her own independent publishing company and has published a few children's books.  She even asked if I would edit her next book for her.  None of this would have happened if I hadn't made the effort to patch things up between us.

While I had a full and busy weekend, it was all time well spent.

Reassigned

I missed my first deadline and because the document I was working was large and cumbersome (it will probably be a couple hundred pages when its completed), it was taken away from me.  I can't say I'm shocked, but it still hurt - I actually teared up while I was in my boss' office, but I gained control quickly enough that I was able to reabsorb the moisture before anything fell out of my eyes (my boss never mentioned it and may have thought it was due to allergies).

What does that mean for me now?  It means that I'm working on a completely different assignment that I've not spent time with before, so all the research I did for the last assignment needs to be repurposed for the new document, something that I'm not sure quite how to do yet.

Now for some good news: because I am currently working on a document that will be used for the same software program as the last document, I am going in with a much better understanding of how the program works.  And since I've exercised everyday this week, I seem to be focusing better while I work, making me a more effective writer.

While my boss never said that my job is in jeopardy, I can't imagine that missing my first deadline reflects well on me.  I am determined to meet my deadline for my new assignment, both as a means to secure my future with the company, but also to prove to my boss that she hired the right person.

Nose, Meet Grindstone

Since my breakdown on Sunday, I've made a concerted effort to reduce the amount of stress that I face during the week.  Since I can't reduce my responsibilities at work, I've decided to spend more time with them as a way to combat them.

The office I work at is very relaxed.  As I've mentioned before, I can work a six hour day with no problem as long as my work is done.  However, since I misunderstood the document I was working on and had to practically start over, that meant that more time needs to be spent with it to make up for the lost time.  To do this, I've been the first person to arrive in the morning and the last person to leave in the evening.  We all have keys, but we leave the office unlocked during the common hours.  First one in unlocks the door and the last one out locks up.  That's been me so far this week.

Have my efforts been rewarded?  Kind of.  I still haven't completed the first document and my deadline was last Friday, but I am making headway.  Hopefully, I'll be on to my next assignment by the last post of this week.  Even if it means that I practically live at work.